A Virtual Hug for My Daughter

 Today is the tenth anniversary of my husband Scott's death. I spent part of the day Snapchatting with our daughter who is stationed in Kuwait at this time. She is now 20 and has lived half her life without her dad. 💔 No child should have to lose a parent so young. And though I know we packed a ton of memories into those 10 short years it doesn't diminish the pain she feels on this day every year. 

Scott & Nicole at La Jolla Beach

We try to memorialize Scott by remembering all the great times we had with him. I think we both try to be happy and strong for each other but as we snap pictures of ourselves (with thoughts attached) back and forth to each other, I can see her eyes are red and swollen from crying, as are mine.

 I spent the rest of the day at work (between patients) looking at old blog posts I had written. Then I went and found old blog posts my sister had written  Digizine (she is one of my other angels in heaven). Needless to say it was a day of memories that came rushing at me like a tidal wave. 

 My emotions have been like a pendulum today. Tears have fallen from my eyes due to the sadness of missing both my husband and sister but then I smile because I feel both of their spirits with me today as memories of them fill my heart and mind. 

 I wish my daughter could have been with me today. Hugging her would have been like hugging a piece of her dad since she is so her father's daughter. I love you Nicole!

How Do You Heal a Broken Heart

I don't know why, but tonight I'm unable to sleep and my granddaughter Helen is on my mind.

As a nurse I've seen a lot of pain and suffering, but none will ever be as hard to witness as watching my daughter go through the heartache she did almost 6 years ago.

I had sat by and watched as my daughter, Cassie and her husband, Dan had numerous miscarriages.  I tried to ease her pain with words of comfort but I had only had one miscarriage and so I didn't fully understand the grief that she experienced every time she got pregnant and lost another baby.

Finally, she was pregnant and past the first trimester and so we all started to get our hopes up that they would finally have a new little one in their lives.  She was due to have the baby in February of 2010 and was such a cute prego mommy.

Her and Dan took numerous pictures of her and her cute pregnant belly.  Dan would even get out his guitar and sing silly and cute songs to Cassie's belly like the baby could hear every word he sang.  They even went to Hawaii with all of us for grandma and grandpa's 50th Wedding Anniversary the end of November 2009 and all was well.

Then shortly after we returned from Hawaii, Cassie started not feeling well.  She called me and told me that she had been sick to her stomach and not keeping anything down for a day and was concerned about the baby.  I told her that it was probably the flu but if she didn't start feeling better she needed to go to her OB/GYN.

I didn't hear anything more from her that day but the next day when I was at work, Dan called me to say that they were at the ER because Cassie was still really sick.  They did some tests and Cassie's blood sugar was super high and they couldn't find a heartbeat on the baby.  I immediately left work and headed down to Utah County to be with them.

When I got there Dan told me that Cassie was super sick and the baby was dead.  This hit me like a ton of bricks.  The first thought that entered my mind was "they need to do CPR on the baby".  Then reality hit and I realized that was just plain stupid and I broke down in tears.  I knew right then that I had to get a hold of my emotions because I would need to be strong for my daughter.

It turned out that Cassie had Type I Diabetes and the blow to her system was just too much for the baby.  The first thing they needed to do was to get Cassie stabilized then she would need to deliver the baby.

The next day they scheduled for her to be in Labor and Delivery for the delivery.  That was such a long day knowing that my daughter was going to have to go through all the pain of contractions and delivery without a joyful ending.  I was grateful that Cassie and Dan invited me to be in the delivery room so that I could help buoy Cassie up.  It was so painful to watch Helen delivered to a sobbing mother and all I could do was hug Cassie and weep.

My husband Scott was in San Diego, so the next day I wrote the following letter to him, my sister and my parents who had been absent during this emotional ordeal.

Hi,

I just wanted to up date you all on what is happening.  And as Scott knows, I am better able to write in words what is hard to say.

Helen Rose Larkin was born at 7:56pm on December 8, 2009.  She weighed 2 lbs 15 oz and was 15 inches long.  She was perfect in every way!  Ten fingers, ten toes, bright red lips, tiny button nose....she even had hair.  As you can imagine it was a very hard thing for Cassie and Dan, but we were able to spend three hours with her.  In that time Cassie and Dan held her, we had pictures taken, hand and footprints done and molds of her little hands and feet.  

Unfortunately we are not out of the woods yet with Cassie.  She is back in ICU where they will continue to take care of her.  Her and Dan are still going to need our prayers, love and support.

Deep down I feel that Helen was such a special spirit that all she needed was a body.  She didn't need to come down to the earth and go through the trials of life.  What a special gift Dan and Cassie gave her!

I love you all and I'm grateful to know that things that I know through the gospel plan.  This would have been so much harder without that knowledge and the love of my Father in Heaven and his son Jesus.

Love Always,

Kaye

P.S. I attached a picture of Cassie holding Helen.

I hope that Cassie will be understanding with me posting this picture of her and Helen.  I just know that there is no way that I can put into words the pain and suffering that is on her face as she looks at her little baby girl whom she had such hopes and dreams for.

As a happy note, I've decided to include a picture taken last November when Cassie and Dan welcomed baby boy #2 to their family.  I'm so grateful that their happily ever after didn't have to end on a sad note.

Visiting Teachers - Angels and Milk

It was a Saturday morning unlike any I had ever had before and one that I pray I never have again.  I was sitting on the couch surrounded by family when the doorbell rang.  I gathered myself off the couch and slowly headed to the front door.  Upon opening the door I saw my Visiting Teaching companion standing there with grocery bags and a gallon of milk.  The first words out of her mouth were, "I was at the grocery store when I heard and I thought you could use these."

It was then that the tears started again to stream down my face.  I was once again surprised that I had any tears left since I had been crying almost constantly since my husbands death the night before.

Here stood at my doorstep one of Heavenly Father's angels.  Someone who listened to the spirit and was thoughtful enough to bring milk. Milk!  Of all things milk.  But it was what I needed because I had gone to the fridge that morning and realized that we were out of milk and needless to say the last thing I wanted to do was head to the grocery store to buy milk.

When she saw the tears start to flow she in turn started to cry with me.  There weren't words to express how much her coming to see me meant to me.  I know she would have enveloped me in her arms if her arms weren't already full of groceries so I lead her into the kitchen where she placed the groceries on the counter then we hugged and cried.

It's amazing how much communication can be exchanged without saying a word.

I'm so thankful that I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.  I'm grateful that my Heavenly Father established the Relief Society for the women of the church.  I'm grateful that we have Visiting Teachers and companions.  And more than anything I'm grateful to this dear sister who was in tune with the spirit that Saturday.

Beast! Mean, rude and uptight! Who me?

I follow a blogger called Single Dad Laughing or SDL.  I quite enjoy his wit and humor and his quirky way of looking at life.  However, yesterday he posted a blog that I guess, best put, had me up in arms.  The title of the blog was Vicious Nurses and Saintly Lawyers (you can read it here http://www.danoah.com/2015/02/vicious-nurses-and-saintly-lawyers.html).

The whole gist of his blog entry for the day is dating nurses vs. dating lawyers and his conclusion.  To say that I was offended, that as an RN (registered nurse) I got generalized as being a "beast....mean, rude and uptight", is putting it lightly.  There really wasn't any reason for me to take offense to his comments since it was his point of view and hey, he's never met me!  Mostly it hurt my feelings.  I feel that I try my best to always put my best foot forward and put a smile on my face even when I sometimes feel there is absolutely nothing to smile about.

However, after reading some of the responses to SDL's blog I thought he possibly has a valid point in his generalization.  Even though it was just that, a generalization.

I especially liked the comment posted by 1 Vicious Nurse.....

At first I was offended....then I started thinking about what you said.....I am vicious... I am an ICU nurse in a very busy high acuity trauma ICU, I have been for 10 years. Some of the things I've seen are worse than horror movies..... Only, they're not movies. It's real. Very real, happening to real people in real life. People who hurt and feel. People whose lives will be forever changed. And their families. I've had to tell people time and again that their loved one "isn't going to make it" and that they should say their goodbyes. I don't ever forget the look, the devastating pain in that mothers eyes when I told her that her 16 year old son was hit by a car and is dying. That she has to go to his side now or she will miss him. I viciously hold back my own tears. So that I may be a rock. A center for the hurting. Even though all I want to do is drop to my knees with her because I can actually feel her pain. I have kids of my own. Every day it's sad stories. Emotionally exhausting. The physical exhaustion of a minimum 12 hours shift, in the middle of the night, walking... Running... literally 13 miles a shift, Lifting over and over men twice my size. Viciously fighting to keep them alive. Minute by minute. Never stopping to eat or even pee because if I stepped away for even a minute... Then..... On top of this... All of this... I have to be perfect. No mistakes. Not even one. If I do, someone could die. If I miss something, even the slightest change in my patients condition. People can die. I call the doctor in the middle of the night and argue viciously over and over again to get your hurting mother, father, daughter the pain medication they need . Healthcare workers are the most assaulted occupation, so I fear for my safety, constantly. I won't even touch on the issues of overpaid administration and insurance companies 'cost cutting' meanwhile padding their pockets leaving us short staffed and in desperate need of functioning equipment and supplies. It is nearly impossible to leave all of this 'at the office' so to speak. It is that ability to feel all of this so deeply and manage all of this so viciously with your entire being that makes a nurse great. I have changed. I know that. I am less patient in some areas of my life, but so much more in others. My compassion is unending. I am able to value every moment I have with my amazing husband and my 3 beautiful babies...... Because really you never know when it could be your last. So am I vicious ? Hell yes! And I own it!

Thank you 1 Vicious Nurse for saying exactly what I felt!  It definitely takes a special breed to be a nurse especially if you work in the ICU or ER!  I worked in the Pediatric ICU for 4 years.  I loved what I did but to say that my shifts sucked the life out of me would be a huge understatement.  When I was at work I had to always be at the top of my game because a child's life depended on it.  One mistake on my part could cost a life. I also remember working some 12 hour shifts where I didn't even get to eat or pee because I was too busy.  I remember the Mother's day when 3 children on our 26 bed unit died all from "freak" accidents.  Watching the parents succumbed to their grief and crying the whole 30 minute drive home so that I could have a grip on my emotions when I got home to my husband and children.

Yes, I'm a nurse!  Vicious, mean, rude, uptight?  Maybe at times.  But through all my experiences I've learned to value each and every person in my life and to cherish every moment I have with them for I know that life is precious and so fleeting.

Hardest DIY Project Ever

I have always been the type that LOVES DIY projects.

My husband Scott and I put in an inground swimming pool doing everything ourselves except for hiring out the excavation.  We put in our own sprinkler system and landscape.  I've made cross-stitch and other crafts to decorate the house.  We built a cabin together.  And many other projects too numerous to count.

However, now I think I'm dealing with the hardest DIY project that I have ever encountered before.  How not to be lonely in a crowded room!  I added "crowded room" it because it better explains that I'm not lonely because no one is around, rather I am lonely because I'm missing being loved by my best friend, lover, husband!

I can have other people around but it just isn't the same.  I know that people TRY to be understanding, but they truly have no idea how painful this is.  And truth be told, I would never want anyone to experience this.

I think I have more cry sessions in the shower than anywhere else, hoping that the sound of the water will drown out my crying.  I stand there letting the water stream down my body just wishing the water would wash all the pain down the drain along with it, but it never does.

I think people try to be helpful by making comments that they think may be comforting, but I really don't want to hear another person tell me "You'll be okay.  You're strong.".  Yes, in the past I have been a strong person.  I proved that after Scott died.  But this time, there isn't a day that goes by that I'm not reduced to tears from loneliness.

I'm sure there is something I'm supposed to learn from this.  I know that there will be no shortcuts this time.  I know I can't just increase my speed to make the bumps of the turbulence of my life less severe.  I know that this time I will have to feel every raw emotion.

 I believe my heart is healing.  I don't think that it is a gushing wound anymore, more like a gaping wound.  And I think over time as I keep applying a new bandage, that it will continue to need a smaller one each time until the point that I won't need one at all.  I just wish I knew how long that will be.

How Many Camels?

So, back to Petra....

3 of my 5 bracelets - I gave the others to my daughters

We were bombarded left and right from Bedouin salesmen as soon as we stepped out of the buggy.  These little boys were placing silver bracelets on my wrist wanting me to "buy".  The first little boy placed 5 bracelets on my wrist and then told me I could have them for $100.  Needless to say I starting peeling them off my wrist as fast as I could and telling him "no thank you".  Him and a bunch other little boys kept following us trying to make a deal.  It wasn't until the first little boy told me I could have all 5 for $25 that I finally made the deal.  They really are beautiful and I'm especially glad that I have them now because they remind me of Tom and our trip to Petra

.

So we walked about the ruins of Petra for most of the morning.  I enjoyed taking in all the sights and smells of this wonderful place.  Camels and donkeys left and right, as they are the only means of transportation down here.  Mostly men were there selling their wares or drumming up rides on the camels and donkeys.  After awhile Tom was tired so we stopped at the only place there for refreshment and trinkets.  The manager of the shop, Rennick was a young Bedouin man in his thirties.  He was very adept at what he did.  You could tell he ran a tight shop and Tom and I were impressed with the way he handled himself.  We ended up buying three stones shaped like eggs.

Eggs Purchased in Petra

Tom sat there at the shop drinking his Diet Coke while I did some more climbing and exploring, which was hard for Tom to do.  It still boggles my mind how these people carved this city out of the stone. 

Tom resting at the "Why Not Shop"

When I got back to the shop, Rennick started to talking to Tom and I because business was slow.  Then some of his friends came out and told him to come eat.  He turned to me and asked if I would like to share their meal with them.  I had been wanting to try their food since reading the book "Married to a Bedouin" (as mentioned in my previous blog).  So I asked Tom if that would be alright, Tom said sure.

We went to the back part of the store where there were four other men sitting around this pot of what looked like stew.  They were eating the stew using pita bread to sop it up.  They handed me some bread and showed me how to eat.  It was very good!  There was one young man who said he was the managers cousin.  He proceeded to tell me, pointing to his cousin "He likes you!"  I'm sure I blushed some when he said that but I responded back "I'm old!"  I told them how I am a grandma.  Then the young men, who were probably in there twenties said, "It doesn't matter.  You have more experience!"  I just laughed.  I then told them how I had read Marguerite's book Married to a Bedouin.  They all said that they knew her.  I told them I thought that she had moved back to New Zealand which they said she had decided to move back to Petra because these were her people.  I told them how much I loved the book and all that I learned from it.  We talked a little more then I went back and joined Tom.

A few minutes later Rennick joined us and after a few minutes asked Tom, "How many camels for your wife?"  Tom smiled.  Then Rennick said, "I will give you 12 camels for you wife."  That's when Tom quickly responded, "There are not enough camels in the world."  That made my heart flutter.  What a sweet thought!  Rennick tried to harang Tom for a little bit longer but realized that he was going to get nowhere.  

I asked Rennick if I could have my picture taken with him which he grinned and said he would be honored.  So now, if anyone asks me if I've ever had anything unique happen to me, I can tell them how my husband was offered 12 camels for my hand in marriage!

Rennick and Me

Petra

I think I failed to mention in the previous post that between seeing Israel and France, Tom and I were able to go to Jordan and see the city of Petra.  I must say that to me it was one of the highlights of our journey.  Petra is an ancient city which had been carved into the sides of the cliffs.  The cliffs are beautiful!  They are reddish/pink in color. And if you have seen the movies "Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade" or "The Mummy", you would have seen Petra.

Tom fitted with Jordanian Headdress

Before we went on our trip I had the opportunity to read "Married to a Bedouin".  It is the story of Marguerite's journey to Jordan where she meets Mohammad, a Bedouin and falls in love and marries.  

After reading the book I was intrigues about the Bedouin people and couldn't wait to meet them.  I was fascinated with the nomadic lifestyle they use to live and could easily understand why Marguerite chose to make her home amongst them.

We took our journey down the steep, slick, cobblestone street towards the Treasury and the city of Petra via a horse and buggy.  We opted for the buggy ride because of Tom's prosthetic leg and because we were in charge of watching June, our 86 year old traveling companion.

The buggy ride was an adventure by itself!  The driver kept flicking the horse with his whip to get him to go faster.  I imagine because he knew the more people he could take in an hour the more money he makes.  There were a few times I felt the horse stumble and almost fall and it scared me half to death.  And if I had known that we were going to bounced around so much, I would have worn two jog bras!

Towards the end of the road before we entered the city, the driver finally slowed down so that we could have a breathtaking view of the Treasury as we came out of the canyon.  We were able to see it before the rising sun could wash out the color in the rock, it was amazing!  The colors of the stone almost looked pink.  It's no wonder that Petra is named one of the 7 Modern Wonders of the World.  And if you ever have the opportunity to see it, plan on it!  You won't be disappointed!

Life After Death

I think I may be ready to write again on a public forum. So much has happened in the past 35 months that I feel as if I have been in some sort of a time warp.

 My husband Scott, who I had been married to for eleven years, died in March of 2011. Through mutual friends I met and married Tom Frost on June 14th of 2012. Things were rocky in our marriage but only because we were both bringing teenage daughters into the mix. One thing I knew, is that I loved Tom and would do anything to make our marriage work. And like most marriages, that first year is always the hardest even without adding children to the mix.

 We did have the opportunity to take the girls and go on a church tour of the Eastern United States in July of last year. Then Tom and I were able to go to Israel and France September and October of last year. We had a great time! I felt like things were really starting to move forward with us. Then one month to the day after returning from our trip, Tom died and once again I was left with all my hopes and dreams shattered around me.

 It's now been three and a half months since his death and I'm still trying to find a day where my heart doesn't ache with longing for him. A day when I don't go to bed crying because I'm so lonely without him. I think after Scott died I was better able to pick up the pieces and tell myself "I can go on". However, with Tom's death I just feel as if there will never be wind enough to fill my sails and launch me into a better tomorrow.

 I keep telling friends that if I were a writer, I never in a million years would have written this as my life story. To be a widow again in less than three years not to mention twice before I'm fifty? I don't even believe Nicholas Sparks could have written this tragedy.

 So in an attempt to try to move on with my Life after Death, I'm going to start blogging again and try to write about the good times that I did spend with Tom and the few memories we were able to share in our short twenty-two months together. Because, after all, I realize memories are the only things we will be allowed to take with us after this life!

Dating In the LDS Singles Scene

So I've been testing the waters of the singles world...so to speak.  After going through a relationship where I was totally taken advantage of, I decided that maybe this time I would go about the singles scene in a whole different way.  The last time I was in the "singles scene" was thirteen years ago and can I just say a lot has changed since then!!!

Before my marriage to Scott, I used to chat online to find guys to meet and date.  I figured what with having kids and working the hours I was working at the hospital, this was probably the easiest and best way since I didn't want to go to church dances or bars to meet men!  Scott and I actually met in a chat room on AOL....not even sure if AOL even exists any more! {chuckle}  I met a lot of men this way and was able to chat with them before agreeing to meet somewhere.  Trust me when I say I had my share of good and bad dates.  I remember one date where the guy kept asking questions and I swear I could seeing him adding check marks to his list after each answer.  Do you want to marry again?  Do you have kids?  Do you want more kids?  Needless to say I ran the other way and never looked back!

So any way, this time I decided to first look at my reasons for dating.  Marriage?  Eventually.  Fun?  Sure  Loneliness for adult companionship?  Absolutely!  This is not to say that I don't have relationships with any adults in my life, but most of them know of Scott's death and tend to treat me a little differently; kind of with kid gloves.  Sometimes I think adults other than my kids treat me like I should still be the "widow in mourning".  I still have people at church ask Nicole and I all the time "how are you doing?"  This is always asked with the head tilted just slightly to the side using what I call the "puppy dog eyes".  When I say we are good they usually respond "really?"  I still haven't figured out how to make people realize that though I still miss Scott, Nicole and I ARE going on with life and that our days are filled with joy and laughter for what I would say is more than 99% of the time.  I honestly believe this is what Scott would have wanted!

Back to the subject....dating!  I decided that this time around I would choose activities that put emphasis where my emphasis is, around the church.  I first joined an LDS dating service.  Not sure if I would recommend this.  Seems there are still lots of men (and women I'm sure) who are on here portraying themselves to be something they're not.  I did make a good friend from here though, Mike; who then invited me to volleyball in Woodscross so I went.  I thought to myself....I can do this.  This isn't like a dance where you are on display and have to pair off.  I was right only in the sense that you don't have to pair off!  I totally felt like I was on display!  None of the "women regulars" would even talk to me, treating me like I had the plague!  I chose to be on Mike's team just so I would feel a little comfortable.  I had to leave early because Jen was watching Nicole  and it was after 10 p.m..  Later Mike texted me and said "the boys LOVE you!"  He said that after I left the guys wanted to know all about me.  I told him I hope he told them I wasn't dating and he said that he told them I was a widow just recently out of a bad relationship who just needed good people around her.  I'm so grateful that he has my back!  The only two women that spoke to me didn't go to Woodscross for volleyball usually.  They were just there to hand out flyer's for a Layton Singles activity.  They introduced themselves and whispered to me that I needed to come to Layton VB which is much better.  So, the next week I went to VB in Layton....huge difference!  These people are so friendly!  I actually feel like they are all friends just out to have fun.  It doesn't feel like a meat market like it did in Woodscross.  Since then, these wonderful friends have invited me to numerous activities and made me feel like one of them!  We've gone to dances, movie and pie, and karaoke!  Each event is fun and I never feel like a fifth wheel and I can take Nicole with me and they treat her just as well.  I will keep you posted since I have another singles activity to go to tonight!  :)

Memories of Scott

I keep wondering if I will ever get to the point that little things will stop reminding me of Scott.  
Yesterday, I had to go pick up the silver Honda from Willey Honda in Bountiful.  They were finally able to fix it to the tune of almost $900.  Picking it up was fun!  I had to run down to the Frontrunner station (4.5 miles) take the train to Woodscross then run another 2 miles to Willey Honda.  I guess I could have asked someone to drive me there, but I hate being a bother especially since I know other people are busy themselves.  Plus I needed to go for a run anyways.  Then I took the car and had the emissions run again (which was why it was being fixed in the first place) and this time it passed which meant I could get it registered which only cost $27.50....thank goodness.
So, I was cleaning the car out when I found a tube of Zilactin which Scott always used on cold sores and I got teary-eyed.  It made me remember the first thing he said to me when he came home the very last time.  He said "I don't think you'll want to kiss me, I have a cold sore."  I told him, "I always want to kiss you".  Little did I know that would be the last time I would kiss him while he was alive.
Then last night I was reading a novel "Everyone is Beautiful" by Katherine Center.  I was reading it because I just needed a feel good book.  One where guy and girl fall in love and live happily ever after.  Right towards the end though the husband leaves because he sees his wife being kissed by another man....long story.  So the wife is thinking he has gone for good and her downstairs neighbor who is a widow is telling her how to cope.
"Shower every day.  Brush and floss.  Blow-dry your hair and wear something nice.  Don't forget lipstick and mascara, at the very least.  Do not look at old photos.  Do not hold articles of his clothing to your face.  Do not close your eyes and try to pretend that he is sitting across the room reading the paper just so that you can feel okay again, even for a second.  Do not sit in his desk chair, put on his glasses, put his shaving cream on your face, or carry his toothbrush around in your pocket.  Do not read his books.  Do not stand among the clothes in his closet.  Do not write letters to him at night.  Stay in the present, or, if at all possible, in the future.  There's nowhere else you can go."   And that's when the tears starting falling again.
It's been over seven months and I still miss him so much sometimes that I can't even catch my breath.  I was thinking back the other day to when Scott and I used to say to each other, "I get to die first" because neither of us wanted to be left alone....I guess he won there.
I know this will get easier day by day.  But I also know that there are going to be little things that will come up that will bring tears to my eyes because of memories of Scott.

Memorial Day

Last Monday was Memorial Day.  It used to be that Memorial Day weekend meant a mini vacation for Scott, Nicole and I.  Whether we went to San Diego or camping, we usually used the weekend to spend time together and catch up on much needed family time.  However, this year was totally different.

I've never been the kind to like to go to the cemeteries on Memorial Day.  Growing up we always spent every Memorial Day weekend up in St. Anthony, Idaho visiting my dad's family....coldest weather EVER!!!  Then on Monday we would pile in the cars and head to the Chester, ID cemetery where my grandparents are buried.  You would think since I didn't know anything other than this growing up that I wouldn't mind going as an adult, but I hated it.

This year though, I had my grandsons (Kayson and Corbin) for the weekend and it was a cold, wet miserable Monday....maybe that is why I thought it appropriate to pile everyone into the car and head to Hyrum to continue the tradition.  When we got to my parents' house we went out and helped dad pick peonies and lilacs to place in vases for the graves.  Then we went over to Hyrum cemetery and placed flowers on my maternal grandparents' grave.  I had also bought a live pink lily to place on my granddaughter Helen's grave.  As of now, there isn't a marker for Helen's grave so I placed the flower in the approximate vicinity.  We then went to Mendon cemetery to visit the graves of my other relatives.  We placed a flower on my great-great-great grandfather James G. Willie's grave.  Nicole wanted to see this gravesite because she had done a report on him this year.  If you don't know who James G. Willie is, well maybe you have heard of the Martin and Willie handcart companies?  James G. led the Willie group to the Salt Lake Valley and they encountered many hardships along the way.  I am grateful for my pioneer heritage.  They make me realize everyday that I don't have it too bad.

That evening after delivering the boys to their Grandma Sonya's house, Nicole and I went to Scott's grave.  We placed some flowers on it.  Nicole has been so mature....it was me that cried, and her that was comforting me and telling me it was "all right".  I miss him so much.  Our days together were too short and now the nights are too long.

School's Out for Summer

First Day of 5th Grade

Today is the last day of school for Nicole.  Another year done and gone.  I can't believe that 5th grade is over and she will be a 6th grader next year.  One more year of elementary school and then she will be in Jr. High!  I'm not sure I am ready for the hormones that will come with Jr. High and High School.

Last Day of 5th Grade

I'm posting her picture that was taken at the beginning of the school year and the one I took this morning.  She has grown so much.  Maybe it is because she has gone through a lot this past year.  She has loved having Mrs. Rees as her teacher!

I only pray that next year will be a happier year!

Pretty in Pink

After many years of having a masculine bedroom I've decided to make a change.  For my whole life I have either had my bedroom decorated for me via mom or tried to decorate it so that my husband liked it.  Now that I am alone I decided to make my bedroom my own.  I decided to go very feminine.  Think Laura Ashley on a budget!  I went to Target and picked up pink, pink and more pink.  After doing Nicole's bedroom I decided I wanted my girlie side to come out.  So here is the outcome!

I told my friends Jen and Hillary that I had redone the bedroom really frilly and pink.  They said "good for you".  I told them I'm not sure what a man would think of it and Hillary said that studies show that women are more amorous in a room that they feel sexy in.  So there you have it.  It's a man's bedroom after all!!!

Service

I don't know that I will ever get used to the title "widow".  I used to always think of the widows in the ward being old and now I'm one of them.  I'm just too young to be a widow!  Me, who is so independent, is now a "project" for the ward.  And I'm definitely not trying to discount their good works because I am finding that I just CAN'T do it all. 

Yesterday was ward clean up day and I was going to go but then I committed myself to go down to Provo and help my daughter Cassie put in her garden.  I was getting ready to leave when the doorbell rang, it was my home teacher Steve Ferschtut with a couple of the ward members wondering if they could get to my backyard to pick up sticks.  I unlocked the gate and let them in, but they could see I had already cleaned up back there.  And since the backyard is mainly pool now there isn't a lot to do back there.  They so badly wanted to do something for me, so when they asked if they could rake the leaves out of my front flowerbed I told them that would be greatly appreciated because I hadn't gotten to it yet.  When I went outside to load up the car there were about 15 ward members out there working. When they were done it looked awesome as you can see by the photo.  I love this ward and these sweet people who I know would do anything for me.  I'm so thankful that the Lord has blessed me to be planted here!

So, I got Cassie's garden planted and ours mostly planted.  Cassie bought a new house and decided that she wanted a garden.  She had helped plant our garden before, but I think you pay more attention to how to plant things when you know that you need to learn these things to do for yourself.  We got hers planted in about 2 1/2 hours which wasn't too bad.  She is really excited to have a house, yard and garden. 

As you can see by the picture, the garden doesn't look like much now but when all is said and done it will provide us with potatoes, beans, cucumbers, tomatoes, red peppers, green bell peppers, jalepeno peppers, crockneck squash, swiss chard, raspberries and grapes.  It started to rain when I was planting ours so we will have to finish it Monday night for FHE.  Can't wait for the first tomatoes!

Thanks! I Needed That!

I decided today that I had best run some errands that should have been taken care of months ago.  I went to Big 5 and exchanged some sweat pants that I purchased over President's Day weekend in St. George when Nicole had a soccer tournament down there....the pants were way to big.  Then I went to Kohl's to return some boots that I bought for Nicole for Christmas that were to small.  Thank goodness Kohl's has their return guarantee!  While walking through Kohl's to get to the service center I walked through lingerie and was sad to think that I don't have anyone special to where pretty things for any more.  Lastly I went to J&J's Nursery to buy flowers and plants/seeds for the garden that I need to get planted.  This was really hard!  I almost broke down crying a couple of times thinking "I can't do this".  It's not that I haven't picked up plants before alone, it's just that planting the garden was something Scott and I always did together now Nicole and I will have to do it alone.

After running home to put the plants in the garage so they wouldn't die in the garage, I then headed to Walmart to get the oil changed and pick up a few things.  When I was checking out at the service center the same guy that checked me in was there to check me out, I imagine he was about 25 years old.  So when I got to the counter to check out he said to me, "Do you mind me asking how old you are?"  Now, didn't his mama teach him that there are two things you never ask a women, her weight and her age.  Well, since he kind of caught me off guard I blushed and told him I was 47.  He then said, "You're beautiful for your age."  So, I said "For an old lady?"  He blushed and stammered and said that's not how he meant it.  Truth be told, when he gave me that compliment I wanted to reach out and plant a big kiss on his cheek.  I REALLY needed to hear that today!  It was one of the things I knew I would miss; Scott telling me how beautiful I was and how lucky he felt that he was married to me.  It's funny the little things you miss when they are gone.

I Miss You Baby!

Dear Scott,

You have been gone just a little over a month now.  Who knew that death would be the one to cheat us of thirty more years together!

Everywhere I turn I see you, feel you and remember you.  Nicole and I are trying so hard to just concentrate on our happy memories together.  Tonight she farted in bed and blamed it on you!  Well, at least she was honest in keeping your memory alive there!

We know we will be alright because you were so good to make sure that we are financially stable.  You took such good care of us while you were alive and that hasn't changed even in death.

I love you so much!  I feel like you took the easy road and I'm left here to endure to the end, but we are secure in our knowledge that we will see you again.

Remember us from heaven!

All My Love,

Kaye

Do you hear me?

I speak but there is silence
I can see it on your face.
The words I speak reverberate
off the walls around me.

Do you really not hear me?
Or is it what I say?
Are the words I speak
that hard to hear?

If I didn't speak what I feel,
could you hear me then?
If I talk about the weather or
news my voice is loud and clear.

Maybe it would be better
if my feelings I didn't share.
For everytime I open up
the silence I can't bear.

Nicole's Room

After two years of planning, prep and buying for Nicole's room, we (according to Nicole) finally finished it.  This is what you get when you get help blogging from your ten year old daughter!  Hahaha!

We painted her tall dresser front panels which were purple, painted the night stand that used to be  Braedon's which had been covered in stickers and the boxes in her bookstand from blue, green, red and orange.

When I first started painting the room I thought it was going to be too bright but when it was all put together it looked really cute.
Now I just need to do some of the other rooms!  Like the crap room, aka craft room!  Hopefully it will happen soon.  Stay tuned for details.

I'm Back In Business

I've been out of the blogging business because my computer has been on the fritz.  I think my husband got sick of hearing me complain because he bought me a new computer!  Yea me!
Now I can blog and add pictures again.
Thanks Hunny!

There'll Be No Living With Her Now!

Nicole has been doing ballroom dance at school this year.  I can tell she loves it because she is always practicing her dance steps at home, in front of any mirror, while waiting in line at the store, while waiting in line for the movies, and just about anywhere she is standing!

Two weekends ago her school competed in a ballroom competition with five other schools in the Davis County School district.  Her dance specialty that she did was the Cha-Cha-Cha, but they also had to learn the waltz, the tango, the swing and the foxtrot.  They were judged on technique and style.  Her and her partner, Hunter Harris, did really well; and as you can see in the video they were having fun!

After the first round where they performed their specialty, they were called back out to the floor and one of the other dances was drawn from a hat and they had to perform it and were judged again on technique and style.  This time she had to dance the Tango.

 



The Big Trophy



When all was said and done they announced the winners.  There were two groups with two divisions in each so a total of four chances for a medal in technique and four chances for a medal in style for each dance.  Nicole and Hunter received one of the medals for Cha-Cha-Cha technique!  She was so excited!  Her school only received three team medals.  Her team which had 5 girls and 2 boys on it and was one of 6 teams from her school received the only gold ribbon for her school, but the most exciting thing is that they took home one of the two trophies for most points scored!

All in all it was a very successful day for Nicole!  Hope her head will fit through the door!