Hardest DIY Project Ever

I have always been the type that LOVES DIY projects.

My husband Scott and I put in an inground swimming pool doing everything ourselves except for hiring out the excavation.  We put in our own sprinkler system and landscape.  I've made cross-stitch and other crafts to decorate the house.  We built a cabin together.  And many other projects too numerous to count.

However, now I think I'm dealing with the hardest DIY project that I have ever encountered before.  How not to be lonely in a crowded room!  I added "crowded room" it because it better explains that I'm not lonely because no one is around, rather I am lonely because I'm missing being loved by my best friend, lover, husband!

I can have other people around but it just isn't the same.  I know that people TRY to be understanding, but they truly have no idea how painful this is.  And truth be told, I would never want anyone to experience this.

I think I have more cry sessions in the shower than anywhere else, hoping that the sound of the water will drown out my crying.  I stand there letting the water stream down my body just wishing the water would wash all the pain down the drain along with it, but it never does.

I think people try to be helpful by making comments that they think may be comforting, but I really don't want to hear another person tell me "You'll be okay.  You're strong.".  Yes, in the past I have been a strong person.  I proved that after Scott died.  But this time, there isn't a day that goes by that I'm not reduced to tears from loneliness.

I'm sure there is something I'm supposed to learn from this.  I know that there will be no shortcuts this time.  I know I can't just increase my speed to make the bumps of the turbulence of my life less severe.  I know that this time I will have to feel every raw emotion.

 I believe my heart is healing.  I don't think that it is a gushing wound anymore, more like a gaping wound.  And I think over time as I keep applying a new bandage, that it will continue to need a smaller one each time until the point that I won't need one at all.  I just wish I knew how long that will be.