As a nurse I've seen a lot of pain and suffering, but none will ever be as hard to witness as watching my daughter go through the heartache she did almost 6 years ago.
I had sat by and watched as my daughter, Cassie and her husband, Dan had numerous miscarriages. I tried to ease her pain with words of comfort but I had only had one miscarriage and so I didn't fully understand the grief that she experienced every time she got pregnant and lost another baby.
Finally, she was pregnant and past the first trimester and so we all started to get our hopes up that they would finally have a new little one in their lives. She was due to have the baby in February of 2010 and was such a cute prego mommy.
Her and Dan took numerous pictures of her and her cute pregnant belly. Dan would even get out his guitar and sing silly and cute songs to Cassie's belly like the baby could hear every word he sang. They even went to Hawaii with all of us for grandma and grandpa's 50th Wedding Anniversary the end of November 2009 and all was well.
Then shortly after we returned from Hawaii, Cassie started not feeling well. She called me and told me that she had been sick to her stomach and not keeping anything down for a day and was concerned about the baby. I told her that it was probably the flu but if she didn't start feeling better she needed to go to her OB/GYN.
I didn't hear anything more from her that day but the next day when I was at work, Dan called me to say that they were at the ER because Cassie was still really sick. They did some tests and Cassie's blood sugar was super high and they couldn't find a heartbeat on the baby. I immediately left work and headed down to Utah County to be with them.
When I got there Dan told me that Cassie was super sick and the baby was dead. This hit me like a ton of bricks. The first thought that entered my mind was "they need to do CPR on the baby". Then reality hit and I realized that was just plain stupid and I broke down in tears. I knew right then that I had to get a hold of my emotions because I would need to be strong for my daughter.
It turned out that Cassie had Type I Diabetes and the blow to her system was just too much for the baby. The first thing they needed to do was to get Cassie stabilized then she would need to deliver the baby.
The next day they scheduled for her to be in Labor and Delivery for the delivery. That was such a long day knowing that my daughter was going to have to go through all the pain of contractions and delivery without a joyful ending. I was grateful that Cassie and Dan invited me to be in the delivery room so that I could help buoy Cassie up. It was so painful to watch Helen delivered to a sobbing mother and all I could do was hug Cassie and weep.
My husband Scott was in San Diego, so the next day I wrote the following letter to him, my sister and my parents who had been absent during this emotional ordeal.
Hi,
I just wanted to up date you all on what is happening. And as Scott knows, I am better able to write in words what is hard to say.
Helen Rose Larkin was born at 7:56pm on December 8, 2009. She weighed 2 lbs 15 oz and was 15 inches long. She was perfect in every way! Ten fingers, ten toes, bright red lips, tiny button nose....she even had hair. As you can imagine it was a very hard thing for Cassie and Dan, but we were able to spend three hours with her. In that time Cassie and Dan held her, we had pictures taken, hand and footprints done and molds of her little hands and feet.
Unfortunately we are not out of the woods yet with Cassie. She is back in ICU where they will continue to take care of her. Her and Dan are still going to need our prayers, love and support.
Deep down I feel that Helen was such a special spirit that all she needed was a body. She didn't need to come down to the earth and go through the trials of life. What a special gift Dan and Cassie gave her!
I love you all and I'm grateful to know that things that I know through the gospel plan. This would have been so much harder without that knowledge and the love of my Father in Heaven and his son Jesus.
Love Always,
Kaye
P.S. I attached a picture of Cassie holding Helen.
I hope that Cassie will be understanding with me posting this picture of her and Helen. I just know that there is no way that I can put into words the pain and suffering that is on her face as she looks at her little baby girl whom she had such hopes and dreams for.
As a happy note, I've decided to include a picture taken last November when Cassie and Dan welcomed baby boy #2 to their family. I'm so grateful that their happily ever after didn't have to end on a sad note.
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