Memories of Scott

I keep wondering if I will ever get to the point that little things will stop reminding me of Scott.  
Yesterday, I had to go pick up the silver Honda from Willey Honda in Bountiful.  They were finally able to fix it to the tune of almost $900.  Picking it up was fun!  I had to run down to the Frontrunner station (4.5 miles) take the train to Woodscross then run another 2 miles to Willey Honda.  I guess I could have asked someone to drive me there, but I hate being a bother especially since I know other people are busy themselves.  Plus I needed to go for a run anyways.  Then I took the car and had the emissions run again (which was why it was being fixed in the first place) and this time it passed which meant I could get it registered which only cost $27.50....thank goodness.
So, I was cleaning the car out when I found a tube of Zilactin which Scott always used on cold sores and I got teary-eyed.  It made me remember the first thing he said to me when he came home the very last time.  He said "I don't think you'll want to kiss me, I have a cold sore."  I told him, "I always want to kiss you".  Little did I know that would be the last time I would kiss him while he was alive.
Then last night I was reading a novel "Everyone is Beautiful" by Katherine Center.  I was reading it because I just needed a feel good book.  One where guy and girl fall in love and live happily ever after.  Right towards the end though the husband leaves because he sees his wife being kissed by another man....long story.  So the wife is thinking he has gone for good and her downstairs neighbor who is a widow is telling her how to cope.
"Shower every day.  Brush and floss.  Blow-dry your hair and wear something nice.  Don't forget lipstick and mascara, at the very least.  Do not look at old photos.  Do not hold articles of his clothing to your face.  Do not close your eyes and try to pretend that he is sitting across the room reading the paper just so that you can feel okay again, even for a second.  Do not sit in his desk chair, put on his glasses, put his shaving cream on your face, or carry his toothbrush around in your pocket.  Do not read his books.  Do not stand among the clothes in his closet.  Do not write letters to him at night.  Stay in the present, or, if at all possible, in the future.  There's nowhere else you can go."   And that's when the tears starting falling again.
It's been over seven months and I still miss him so much sometimes that I can't even catch my breath.  I was thinking back the other day to when Scott and I used to say to each other, "I get to die first" because neither of us wanted to be left alone....I guess he won there.
I know this will get easier day by day.  But I also know that there are going to be little things that will come up that will bring tears to my eyes because of memories of Scott.

Memorial Day

Last Monday was Memorial Day.  It used to be that Memorial Day weekend meant a mini vacation for Scott, Nicole and I.  Whether we went to San Diego or camping, we usually used the weekend to spend time together and catch up on much needed family time.  However, this year was totally different.

I've never been the kind to like to go to the cemeteries on Memorial Day.  Growing up we always spent every Memorial Day weekend up in St. Anthony, Idaho visiting my dad's family....coldest weather EVER!!!  Then on Monday we would pile in the cars and head to the Chester, ID cemetery where my grandparents are buried.  You would think since I didn't know anything other than this growing up that I wouldn't mind going as an adult, but I hated it.

This year though, I had my grandsons (Kayson and Corbin) for the weekend and it was a cold, wet miserable Monday....maybe that is why I thought it appropriate to pile everyone into the car and head to Hyrum to continue the tradition.  When we got to my parents' house we went out and helped dad pick peonies and lilacs to place in vases for the graves.  Then we went over to Hyrum cemetery and placed flowers on my maternal grandparents' grave.  I had also bought a live pink lily to place on my granddaughter Helen's grave.  As of now, there isn't a marker for Helen's grave so I placed the flower in the approximate vicinity.  We then went to Mendon cemetery to visit the graves of my other relatives.  We placed a flower on my great-great-great grandfather James G. Willie's grave.  Nicole wanted to see this gravesite because she had done a report on him this year.  If you don't know who James G. Willie is, well maybe you have heard of the Martin and Willie handcart companies?  James G. led the Willie group to the Salt Lake Valley and they encountered many hardships along the way.  I am grateful for my pioneer heritage.  They make me realize everyday that I don't have it too bad.

That evening after delivering the boys to their Grandma Sonya's house, Nicole and I went to Scott's grave.  We placed some flowers on it.  Nicole has been so mature....it was me that cried, and her that was comforting me and telling me it was "all right".  I miss him so much.  Our days together were too short and now the nights are too long.

School's Out for Summer

First Day of 5th Grade

Today is the last day of school for Nicole.  Another year done and gone.  I can't believe that 5th grade is over and she will be a 6th grader next year.  One more year of elementary school and then she will be in Jr. High!  I'm not sure I am ready for the hormones that will come with Jr. High and High School.

Last Day of 5th Grade

I'm posting her picture that was taken at the beginning of the school year and the one I took this morning.  She has grown so much.  Maybe it is because she has gone through a lot this past year.  She has loved having Mrs. Rees as her teacher!

I only pray that next year will be a happier year!

Pretty in Pink

After many years of having a masculine bedroom I've decided to make a change.  For my whole life I have either had my bedroom decorated for me via mom or tried to decorate it so that my husband liked it.  Now that I am alone I decided to make my bedroom my own.  I decided to go very feminine.  Think Laura Ashley on a budget!  I went to Target and picked up pink, pink and more pink.  After doing Nicole's bedroom I decided I wanted my girlie side to come out.  So here is the outcome!

I told my friends Jen and Hillary that I had redone the bedroom really frilly and pink.  They said "good for you".  I told them I'm not sure what a man would think of it and Hillary said that studies show that women are more amorous in a room that they feel sexy in.  So there you have it.  It's a man's bedroom after all!!!

Service

I don't know that I will ever get used to the title "widow".  I used to always think of the widows in the ward being old and now I'm one of them.  I'm just too young to be a widow!  Me, who is so independent, is now a "project" for the ward.  And I'm definitely not trying to discount their good works because I am finding that I just CAN'T do it all. 

Yesterday was ward clean up day and I was going to go but then I committed myself to go down to Provo and help my daughter Cassie put in her garden.  I was getting ready to leave when the doorbell rang, it was my home teacher Steve Ferschtut with a couple of the ward members wondering if they could get to my backyard to pick up sticks.  I unlocked the gate and let them in, but they could see I had already cleaned up back there.  And since the backyard is mainly pool now there isn't a lot to do back there.  They so badly wanted to do something for me, so when they asked if they could rake the leaves out of my front flowerbed I told them that would be greatly appreciated because I hadn't gotten to it yet.  When I went outside to load up the car there were about 15 ward members out there working. When they were done it looked awesome as you can see by the photo.  I love this ward and these sweet people who I know would do anything for me.  I'm so thankful that the Lord has blessed me to be planted here!

So, I got Cassie's garden planted and ours mostly planted.  Cassie bought a new house and decided that she wanted a garden.  She had helped plant our garden before, but I think you pay more attention to how to plant things when you know that you need to learn these things to do for yourself.  We got hers planted in about 2 1/2 hours which wasn't too bad.  She is really excited to have a house, yard and garden. 

As you can see by the picture, the garden doesn't look like much now but when all is said and done it will provide us with potatoes, beans, cucumbers, tomatoes, red peppers, green bell peppers, jalepeno peppers, crockneck squash, swiss chard, raspberries and grapes.  It started to rain when I was planting ours so we will have to finish it Monday night for FHE.  Can't wait for the first tomatoes!

Thanks! I Needed That!

I decided today that I had best run some errands that should have been taken care of months ago.  I went to Big 5 and exchanged some sweat pants that I purchased over President's Day weekend in St. George when Nicole had a soccer tournament down there....the pants were way to big.  Then I went to Kohl's to return some boots that I bought for Nicole for Christmas that were to small.  Thank goodness Kohl's has their return guarantee!  While walking through Kohl's to get to the service center I walked through lingerie and was sad to think that I don't have anyone special to where pretty things for any more.  Lastly I went to J&J's Nursery to buy flowers and plants/seeds for the garden that I need to get planted.  This was really hard!  I almost broke down crying a couple of times thinking "I can't do this".  It's not that I haven't picked up plants before alone, it's just that planting the garden was something Scott and I always did together now Nicole and I will have to do it alone.

After running home to put the plants in the garage so they wouldn't die in the garage, I then headed to Walmart to get the oil changed and pick up a few things.  When I was checking out at the service center the same guy that checked me in was there to check me out, I imagine he was about 25 years old.  So when I got to the counter to check out he said to me, "Do you mind me asking how old you are?"  Now, didn't his mama teach him that there are two things you never ask a women, her weight and her age.  Well, since he kind of caught me off guard I blushed and told him I was 47.  He then said, "You're beautiful for your age."  So, I said "For an old lady?"  He blushed and stammered and said that's not how he meant it.  Truth be told, when he gave me that compliment I wanted to reach out and plant a big kiss on his cheek.  I REALLY needed to hear that today!  It was one of the things I knew I would miss; Scott telling me how beautiful I was and how lucky he felt that he was married to me.  It's funny the little things you miss when they are gone.

I Miss You Baby!

Dear Scott,

You have been gone just a little over a month now.  Who knew that death would be the one to cheat us of thirty more years together!

Everywhere I turn I see you, feel you and remember you.  Nicole and I are trying so hard to just concentrate on our happy memories together.  Tonight she farted in bed and blamed it on you!  Well, at least she was honest in keeping your memory alive there!

We know we will be alright because you were so good to make sure that we are financially stable.  You took such good care of us while you were alive and that hasn't changed even in death.

I love you so much!  I feel like you took the easy road and I'm left here to endure to the end, but we are secure in our knowledge that we will see you again.

Remember us from heaven!

All My Love,

Kaye