Visiting Teachers - Angels and Milk

It was a Saturday morning unlike any I had ever had before and one that I pray I never have again.  I was sitting on the couch surrounded by family when the doorbell rang.  I gathered myself off the couch and slowly headed to the front door.  Upon opening the door I saw my Visiting Teaching companion standing there with grocery bags and a gallon of milk.  The first words out of her mouth were, "I was at the grocery store when I heard and I thought you could use these."

It was then that the tears started again to stream down my face.  I was once again surprised that I had any tears left since I had been crying almost constantly since my husbands death the night before.

Here stood at my doorstep one of Heavenly Father's angels.  Someone who listened to the spirit and was thoughtful enough to bring milk. Milk!  Of all things milk.  But it was what I needed because I had gone to the fridge that morning and realized that we were out of milk and needless to say the last thing I wanted to do was head to the grocery store to buy milk.

When she saw the tears start to flow she in turn started to cry with me.  There weren't words to express how much her coming to see me meant to me.  I know she would have enveloped me in her arms if her arms weren't already full of groceries so I lead her into the kitchen where she placed the groceries on the counter then we hugged and cried.

It's amazing how much communication can be exchanged without saying a word.

I'm so thankful that I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.  I'm grateful that my Heavenly Father established the Relief Society for the women of the church.  I'm grateful that we have Visiting Teachers and companions.  And more than anything I'm grateful to this dear sister who was in tune with the spirit that Saturday.

Beast! Mean, rude and uptight! Who me?

I follow a blogger called Single Dad Laughing or SDL.  I quite enjoy his wit and humor and his quirky way of looking at life.  However, yesterday he posted a blog that I guess, best put, had me up in arms.  The title of the blog was Vicious Nurses and Saintly Lawyers (you can read it here http://www.danoah.com/2015/02/vicious-nurses-and-saintly-lawyers.html).

The whole gist of his blog entry for the day is dating nurses vs. dating lawyers and his conclusion.  To say that I was offended, that as an RN (registered nurse) I got generalized as being a "beast....mean, rude and uptight", is putting it lightly.  There really wasn't any reason for me to take offense to his comments since it was his point of view and hey, he's never met me!  Mostly it hurt my feelings.  I feel that I try my best to always put my best foot forward and put a smile on my face even when I sometimes feel there is absolutely nothing to smile about.

However, after reading some of the responses to SDL's blog I thought he possibly has a valid point in his generalization.  Even though it was just that, a generalization.

I especially liked the comment posted by 1 Vicious Nurse.....

At first I was offended....then I started thinking about what you said.....I am vicious... I am an ICU nurse in a very busy high acuity trauma ICU, I have been for 10 years. Some of the things I've seen are worse than horror movies..... Only, they're not movies. It's real. Very real, happening to real people in real life. People who hurt and feel. People whose lives will be forever changed. And their families. I've had to tell people time and again that their loved one "isn't going to make it" and that they should say their goodbyes. I don't ever forget the look, the devastating pain in that mothers eyes when I told her that her 16 year old son was hit by a car and is dying. That she has to go to his side now or she will miss him. I viciously hold back my own tears. So that I may be a rock. A center for the hurting. Even though all I want to do is drop to my knees with her because I can actually feel her pain. I have kids of my own. Every day it's sad stories. Emotionally exhausting. The physical exhaustion of a minimum 12 hours shift, in the middle of the night, walking... Running... literally 13 miles a shift, Lifting over and over men twice my size. Viciously fighting to keep them alive. Minute by minute. Never stopping to eat or even pee because if I stepped away for even a minute... Then..... On top of this... All of this... I have to be perfect. No mistakes. Not even one. If I do, someone could die. If I miss something, even the slightest change in my patients condition. People can die. I call the doctor in the middle of the night and argue viciously over and over again to get your hurting mother, father, daughter the pain medication they need . Healthcare workers are the most assaulted occupation, so I fear for my safety, constantly. I won't even touch on the issues of overpaid administration and insurance companies 'cost cutting' meanwhile padding their pockets leaving us short staffed and in desperate need of functioning equipment and supplies. It is nearly impossible to leave all of this 'at the office' so to speak. It is that ability to feel all of this so deeply and manage all of this so viciously with your entire being that makes a nurse great. I have changed. I know that. I am less patient in some areas of my life, but so much more in others. My compassion is unending. I am able to value every moment I have with my amazing husband and my 3 beautiful babies...... Because really you never know when it could be your last. So am I vicious ? Hell yes! And I own it!

Thank you 1 Vicious Nurse for saying exactly what I felt!  It definitely takes a special breed to be a nurse especially if you work in the ICU or ER!  I worked in the Pediatric ICU for 4 years.  I loved what I did but to say that my shifts sucked the life out of me would be a huge understatement.  When I was at work I had to always be at the top of my game because a child's life depended on it.  One mistake on my part could cost a life. I also remember working some 12 hour shifts where I didn't even get to eat or pee because I was too busy.  I remember the Mother's day when 3 children on our 26 bed unit died all from "freak" accidents.  Watching the parents succumbed to their grief and crying the whole 30 minute drive home so that I could have a grip on my emotions when I got home to my husband and children.

Yes, I'm a nurse!  Vicious, mean, rude, uptight?  Maybe at times.  But through all my experiences I've learned to value each and every person in my life and to cherish every moment I have with them for I know that life is precious and so fleeting.

Hardest DIY Project Ever

I have always been the type that LOVES DIY projects.

My husband Scott and I put in an inground swimming pool doing everything ourselves except for hiring out the excavation.  We put in our own sprinkler system and landscape.  I've made cross-stitch and other crafts to decorate the house.  We built a cabin together.  And many other projects too numerous to count.

However, now I think I'm dealing with the hardest DIY project that I have ever encountered before.  How not to be lonely in a crowded room!  I added "crowded room" it because it better explains that I'm not lonely because no one is around, rather I am lonely because I'm missing being loved by my best friend, lover, husband!

I can have other people around but it just isn't the same.  I know that people TRY to be understanding, but they truly have no idea how painful this is.  And truth be told, I would never want anyone to experience this.

I think I have more cry sessions in the shower than anywhere else, hoping that the sound of the water will drown out my crying.  I stand there letting the water stream down my body just wishing the water would wash all the pain down the drain along with it, but it never does.

I think people try to be helpful by making comments that they think may be comforting, but I really don't want to hear another person tell me "You'll be okay.  You're strong.".  Yes, in the past I have been a strong person.  I proved that after Scott died.  But this time, there isn't a day that goes by that I'm not reduced to tears from loneliness.

I'm sure there is something I'm supposed to learn from this.  I know that there will be no shortcuts this time.  I know I can't just increase my speed to make the bumps of the turbulence of my life less severe.  I know that this time I will have to feel every raw emotion.

 I believe my heart is healing.  I don't think that it is a gushing wound anymore, more like a gaping wound.  And I think over time as I keep applying a new bandage, that it will continue to need a smaller one each time until the point that I won't need one at all.  I just wish I knew how long that will be.

How Many Camels?

So, back to Petra....

3 of my 5 bracelets - I gave the others to my daughters

We were bombarded left and right from Bedouin salesmen as soon as we stepped out of the buggy.  These little boys were placing silver bracelets on my wrist wanting me to "buy".  The first little boy placed 5 bracelets on my wrist and then told me I could have them for $100.  Needless to say I starting peeling them off my wrist as fast as I could and telling him "no thank you".  Him and a bunch other little boys kept following us trying to make a deal.  It wasn't until the first little boy told me I could have all 5 for $25 that I finally made the deal.  They really are beautiful and I'm especially glad that I have them now because they remind me of Tom and our trip to Petra

.

So we walked about the ruins of Petra for most of the morning.  I enjoyed taking in all the sights and smells of this wonderful place.  Camels and donkeys left and right, as they are the only means of transportation down here.  Mostly men were there selling their wares or drumming up rides on the camels and donkeys.  After awhile Tom was tired so we stopped at the only place there for refreshment and trinkets.  The manager of the shop, Rennick was a young Bedouin man in his thirties.  He was very adept at what he did.  You could tell he ran a tight shop and Tom and I were impressed with the way he handled himself.  We ended up buying three stones shaped like eggs.

Eggs Purchased in Petra

Tom sat there at the shop drinking his Diet Coke while I did some more climbing and exploring, which was hard for Tom to do.  It still boggles my mind how these people carved this city out of the stone. 

Tom resting at the "Why Not Shop"

When I got back to the shop, Rennick started to talking to Tom and I because business was slow.  Then some of his friends came out and told him to come eat.  He turned to me and asked if I would like to share their meal with them.  I had been wanting to try their food since reading the book "Married to a Bedouin" (as mentioned in my previous blog).  So I asked Tom if that would be alright, Tom said sure.

We went to the back part of the store where there were four other men sitting around this pot of what looked like stew.  They were eating the stew using pita bread to sop it up.  They handed me some bread and showed me how to eat.  It was very good!  There was one young man who said he was the managers cousin.  He proceeded to tell me, pointing to his cousin "He likes you!"  I'm sure I blushed some when he said that but I responded back "I'm old!"  I told them how I am a grandma.  Then the young men, who were probably in there twenties said, "It doesn't matter.  You have more experience!"  I just laughed.  I then told them how I had read Marguerite's book Married to a Bedouin.  They all said that they knew her.  I told them I thought that she had moved back to New Zealand which they said she had decided to move back to Petra because these were her people.  I told them how much I loved the book and all that I learned from it.  We talked a little more then I went back and joined Tom.

A few minutes later Rennick joined us and after a few minutes asked Tom, "How many camels for your wife?"  Tom smiled.  Then Rennick said, "I will give you 12 camels for you wife."  That's when Tom quickly responded, "There are not enough camels in the world."  That made my heart flutter.  What a sweet thought!  Rennick tried to harang Tom for a little bit longer but realized that he was going to get nowhere.  

I asked Rennick if I could have my picture taken with him which he grinned and said he would be honored.  So now, if anyone asks me if I've ever had anything unique happen to me, I can tell them how my husband was offered 12 camels for my hand in marriage!

Rennick and Me

Petra

I think I failed to mention in the previous post that between seeing Israel and France, Tom and I were able to go to Jordan and see the city of Petra.  I must say that to me it was one of the highlights of our journey.  Petra is an ancient city which had been carved into the sides of the cliffs.  The cliffs are beautiful!  They are reddish/pink in color. And if you have seen the movies "Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade" or "The Mummy", you would have seen Petra.

Tom fitted with Jordanian Headdress

Before we went on our trip I had the opportunity to read "Married to a Bedouin".  It is the story of Marguerite's journey to Jordan where she meets Mohammad, a Bedouin and falls in love and marries.  

After reading the book I was intrigues about the Bedouin people and couldn't wait to meet them.  I was fascinated with the nomadic lifestyle they use to live and could easily understand why Marguerite chose to make her home amongst them.

We took our journey down the steep, slick, cobblestone street towards the Treasury and the city of Petra via a horse and buggy.  We opted for the buggy ride because of Tom's prosthetic leg and because we were in charge of watching June, our 86 year old traveling companion.

The buggy ride was an adventure by itself!  The driver kept flicking the horse with his whip to get him to go faster.  I imagine because he knew the more people he could take in an hour the more money he makes.  There were a few times I felt the horse stumble and almost fall and it scared me half to death.  And if I had known that we were going to bounced around so much, I would have worn two jog bras!

Towards the end of the road before we entered the city, the driver finally slowed down so that we could have a breathtaking view of the Treasury as we came out of the canyon.  We were able to see it before the rising sun could wash out the color in the rock, it was amazing!  The colors of the stone almost looked pink.  It's no wonder that Petra is named one of the 7 Modern Wonders of the World.  And if you ever have the opportunity to see it, plan on it!  You won't be disappointed!

Life After Death

I think I may be ready to write again on a public forum. So much has happened in the past 35 months that I feel as if I have been in some sort of a time warp.

 My husband Scott, who I had been married to for eleven years, died in March of 2011. Through mutual friends I met and married Tom Frost on June 14th of 2012. Things were rocky in our marriage but only because we were both bringing teenage daughters into the mix. One thing I knew, is that I loved Tom and would do anything to make our marriage work. And like most marriages, that first year is always the hardest even without adding children to the mix.

 We did have the opportunity to take the girls and go on a church tour of the Eastern United States in July of last year. Then Tom and I were able to go to Israel and France September and October of last year. We had a great time! I felt like things were really starting to move forward with us. Then one month to the day after returning from our trip, Tom died and once again I was left with all my hopes and dreams shattered around me.

 It's now been three and a half months since his death and I'm still trying to find a day where my heart doesn't ache with longing for him. A day when I don't go to bed crying because I'm so lonely without him. I think after Scott died I was better able to pick up the pieces and tell myself "I can go on". However, with Tom's death I just feel as if there will never be wind enough to fill my sails and launch me into a better tomorrow.

 I keep telling friends that if I were a writer, I never in a million years would have written this as my life story. To be a widow again in less than three years not to mention twice before I'm fifty? I don't even believe Nicholas Sparks could have written this tragedy.

 So in an attempt to try to move on with my Life after Death, I'm going to start blogging again and try to write about the good times that I did spend with Tom and the few memories we were able to share in our short twenty-two months together. Because, after all, I realize memories are the only things we will be allowed to take with us after this life!

Dating In the LDS Singles Scene

So I've been testing the waters of the singles world...so to speak.  After going through a relationship where I was totally taken advantage of, I decided that maybe this time I would go about the singles scene in a whole different way.  The last time I was in the "singles scene" was thirteen years ago and can I just say a lot has changed since then!!!

Before my marriage to Scott, I used to chat online to find guys to meet and date.  I figured what with having kids and working the hours I was working at the hospital, this was probably the easiest and best way since I didn't want to go to church dances or bars to meet men!  Scott and I actually met in a chat room on AOL....not even sure if AOL even exists any more! {chuckle}  I met a lot of men this way and was able to chat with them before agreeing to meet somewhere.  Trust me when I say I had my share of good and bad dates.  I remember one date where the guy kept asking questions and I swear I could seeing him adding check marks to his list after each answer.  Do you want to marry again?  Do you have kids?  Do you want more kids?  Needless to say I ran the other way and never looked back!

So any way, this time I decided to first look at my reasons for dating.  Marriage?  Eventually.  Fun?  Sure  Loneliness for adult companionship?  Absolutely!  This is not to say that I don't have relationships with any adults in my life, but most of them know of Scott's death and tend to treat me a little differently; kind of with kid gloves.  Sometimes I think adults other than my kids treat me like I should still be the "widow in mourning".  I still have people at church ask Nicole and I all the time "how are you doing?"  This is always asked with the head tilted just slightly to the side using what I call the "puppy dog eyes".  When I say we are good they usually respond "really?"  I still haven't figured out how to make people realize that though I still miss Scott, Nicole and I ARE going on with life and that our days are filled with joy and laughter for what I would say is more than 99% of the time.  I honestly believe this is what Scott would have wanted!

Back to the subject....dating!  I decided that this time around I would choose activities that put emphasis where my emphasis is, around the church.  I first joined an LDS dating service.  Not sure if I would recommend this.  Seems there are still lots of men (and women I'm sure) who are on here portraying themselves to be something they're not.  I did make a good friend from here though, Mike; who then invited me to volleyball in Woodscross so I went.  I thought to myself....I can do this.  This isn't like a dance where you are on display and have to pair off.  I was right only in the sense that you don't have to pair off!  I totally felt like I was on display!  None of the "women regulars" would even talk to me, treating me like I had the plague!  I chose to be on Mike's team just so I would feel a little comfortable.  I had to leave early because Jen was watching Nicole  and it was after 10 p.m..  Later Mike texted me and said "the boys LOVE you!"  He said that after I left the guys wanted to know all about me.  I told him I hope he told them I wasn't dating and he said that he told them I was a widow just recently out of a bad relationship who just needed good people around her.  I'm so grateful that he has my back!  The only two women that spoke to me didn't go to Woodscross for volleyball usually.  They were just there to hand out flyer's for a Layton Singles activity.  They introduced themselves and whispered to me that I needed to come to Layton VB which is much better.  So, the next week I went to VB in Layton....huge difference!  These people are so friendly!  I actually feel like they are all friends just out to have fun.  It doesn't feel like a meat market like it did in Woodscross.  Since then, these wonderful friends have invited me to numerous activities and made me feel like one of them!  We've gone to dances, movie and pie, and karaoke!  Each event is fun and I never feel like a fifth wheel and I can take Nicole with me and they treat her just as well.  I will keep you posted since I have another singles activity to go to tonight!  :)