Life After Death

I think I may be ready to write again on a public forum. So much has happened in the past 35 months that I feel as if I have been in some sort of a time warp.

 My husband Scott, who I had been married to for eleven years, died in March of 2011. Through mutual friends I met and married Tom Frost on June 14th of 2012. Things were rocky in our marriage but only because we were both bringing teenage daughters into the mix. One thing I knew, is that I loved Tom and would do anything to make our marriage work. And like most marriages, that first year is always the hardest even without adding children to the mix.

 We did have the opportunity to take the girls and go on a church tour of the Eastern United States in July of last year. Then Tom and I were able to go to Israel and France September and October of last year. We had a great time! I felt like things were really starting to move forward with us. Then one month to the day after returning from our trip, Tom died and once again I was left with all my hopes and dreams shattered around me.

 It's now been three and a half months since his death and I'm still trying to find a day where my heart doesn't ache with longing for him. A day when I don't go to bed crying because I'm so lonely without him. I think after Scott died I was better able to pick up the pieces and tell myself "I can go on". However, with Tom's death I just feel as if there will never be wind enough to fill my sails and launch me into a better tomorrow.

 I keep telling friends that if I were a writer, I never in a million years would have written this as my life story. To be a widow again in less than three years not to mention twice before I'm fifty? I don't even believe Nicholas Sparks could have written this tragedy.

 So in an attempt to try to move on with my Life after Death, I'm going to start blogging again and try to write about the good times that I did spend with Tom and the few memories we were able to share in our short twenty-two months together. Because, after all, I realize memories are the only things we will be allowed to take with us after this life!

Dating In the LDS Singles Scene

So I've been testing the waters of the singles world...so to speak.  After going through a relationship where I was totally taken advantage of, I decided that maybe this time I would go about the singles scene in a whole different way.  The last time I was in the "singles scene" was thirteen years ago and can I just say a lot has changed since then!!!

Before my marriage to Scott, I used to chat online to find guys to meet and date.  I figured what with having kids and working the hours I was working at the hospital, this was probably the easiest and best way since I didn't want to go to church dances or bars to meet men!  Scott and I actually met in a chat room on AOL....not even sure if AOL even exists any more! {chuckle}  I met a lot of men this way and was able to chat with them before agreeing to meet somewhere.  Trust me when I say I had my share of good and bad dates.  I remember one date where the guy kept asking questions and I swear I could seeing him adding check marks to his list after each answer.  Do you want to marry again?  Do you have kids?  Do you want more kids?  Needless to say I ran the other way and never looked back!

So any way, this time I decided to first look at my reasons for dating.  Marriage?  Eventually.  Fun?  Sure  Loneliness for adult companionship?  Absolutely!  This is not to say that I don't have relationships with any adults in my life, but most of them know of Scott's death and tend to treat me a little differently; kind of with kid gloves.  Sometimes I think adults other than my kids treat me like I should still be the "widow in mourning".  I still have people at church ask Nicole and I all the time "how are you doing?"  This is always asked with the head tilted just slightly to the side using what I call the "puppy dog eyes".  When I say we are good they usually respond "really?"  I still haven't figured out how to make people realize that though I still miss Scott, Nicole and I ARE going on with life and that our days are filled with joy and laughter for what I would say is more than 99% of the time.  I honestly believe this is what Scott would have wanted!

Back to the subject....dating!  I decided that this time around I would choose activities that put emphasis where my emphasis is, around the church.  I first joined an LDS dating service.  Not sure if I would recommend this.  Seems there are still lots of men (and women I'm sure) who are on here portraying themselves to be something they're not.  I did make a good friend from here though, Mike; who then invited me to volleyball in Woodscross so I went.  I thought to myself....I can do this.  This isn't like a dance where you are on display and have to pair off.  I was right only in the sense that you don't have to pair off!  I totally felt like I was on display!  None of the "women regulars" would even talk to me, treating me like I had the plague!  I chose to be on Mike's team just so I would feel a little comfortable.  I had to leave early because Jen was watching Nicole  and it was after 10 p.m..  Later Mike texted me and said "the boys LOVE you!"  He said that after I left the guys wanted to know all about me.  I told him I hope he told them I wasn't dating and he said that he told them I was a widow just recently out of a bad relationship who just needed good people around her.  I'm so grateful that he has my back!  The only two women that spoke to me didn't go to Woodscross for volleyball usually.  They were just there to hand out flyer's for a Layton Singles activity.  They introduced themselves and whispered to me that I needed to come to Layton VB which is much better.  So, the next week I went to VB in Layton....huge difference!  These people are so friendly!  I actually feel like they are all friends just out to have fun.  It doesn't feel like a meat market like it did in Woodscross.  Since then, these wonderful friends have invited me to numerous activities and made me feel like one of them!  We've gone to dances, movie and pie, and karaoke!  Each event is fun and I never feel like a fifth wheel and I can take Nicole with me and they treat her just as well.  I will keep you posted since I have another singles activity to go to tonight!  :)

Memories of Scott

I keep wondering if I will ever get to the point that little things will stop reminding me of Scott.  
Yesterday, I had to go pick up the silver Honda from Willey Honda in Bountiful.  They were finally able to fix it to the tune of almost $900.  Picking it up was fun!  I had to run down to the Frontrunner station (4.5 miles) take the train to Woodscross then run another 2 miles to Willey Honda.  I guess I could have asked someone to drive me there, but I hate being a bother especially since I know other people are busy themselves.  Plus I needed to go for a run anyways.  Then I took the car and had the emissions run again (which was why it was being fixed in the first place) and this time it passed which meant I could get it registered which only cost $27.50....thank goodness.
So, I was cleaning the car out when I found a tube of Zilactin which Scott always used on cold sores and I got teary-eyed.  It made me remember the first thing he said to me when he came home the very last time.  He said "I don't think you'll want to kiss me, I have a cold sore."  I told him, "I always want to kiss you".  Little did I know that would be the last time I would kiss him while he was alive.
Then last night I was reading a novel "Everyone is Beautiful" by Katherine Center.  I was reading it because I just needed a feel good book.  One where guy and girl fall in love and live happily ever after.  Right towards the end though the husband leaves because he sees his wife being kissed by another man....long story.  So the wife is thinking he has gone for good and her downstairs neighbor who is a widow is telling her how to cope.
"Shower every day.  Brush and floss.  Blow-dry your hair and wear something nice.  Don't forget lipstick and mascara, at the very least.  Do not look at old photos.  Do not hold articles of his clothing to your face.  Do not close your eyes and try to pretend that he is sitting across the room reading the paper just so that you can feel okay again, even for a second.  Do not sit in his desk chair, put on his glasses, put his shaving cream on your face, or carry his toothbrush around in your pocket.  Do not read his books.  Do not stand among the clothes in his closet.  Do not write letters to him at night.  Stay in the present, or, if at all possible, in the future.  There's nowhere else you can go."   And that's when the tears starting falling again.
It's been over seven months and I still miss him so much sometimes that I can't even catch my breath.  I was thinking back the other day to when Scott and I used to say to each other, "I get to die first" because neither of us wanted to be left alone....I guess he won there.
I know this will get easier day by day.  But I also know that there are going to be little things that will come up that will bring tears to my eyes because of memories of Scott.

Memorial Day

Last Monday was Memorial Day.  It used to be that Memorial Day weekend meant a mini vacation for Scott, Nicole and I.  Whether we went to San Diego or camping, we usually used the weekend to spend time together and catch up on much needed family time.  However, this year was totally different.

I've never been the kind to like to go to the cemeteries on Memorial Day.  Growing up we always spent every Memorial Day weekend up in St. Anthony, Idaho visiting my dad's family....coldest weather EVER!!!  Then on Monday we would pile in the cars and head to the Chester, ID cemetery where my grandparents are buried.  You would think since I didn't know anything other than this growing up that I wouldn't mind going as an adult, but I hated it.

This year though, I had my grandsons (Kayson and Corbin) for the weekend and it was a cold, wet miserable Monday....maybe that is why I thought it appropriate to pile everyone into the car and head to Hyrum to continue the tradition.  When we got to my parents' house we went out and helped dad pick peonies and lilacs to place in vases for the graves.  Then we went over to Hyrum cemetery and placed flowers on my maternal grandparents' grave.  I had also bought a live pink lily to place on my granddaughter Helen's grave.  As of now, there isn't a marker for Helen's grave so I placed the flower in the approximate vicinity.  We then went to Mendon cemetery to visit the graves of my other relatives.  We placed a flower on my great-great-great grandfather James G. Willie's grave.  Nicole wanted to see this gravesite because she had done a report on him this year.  If you don't know who James G. Willie is, well maybe you have heard of the Martin and Willie handcart companies?  James G. led the Willie group to the Salt Lake Valley and they encountered many hardships along the way.  I am grateful for my pioneer heritage.  They make me realize everyday that I don't have it too bad.

That evening after delivering the boys to their Grandma Sonya's house, Nicole and I went to Scott's grave.  We placed some flowers on it.  Nicole has been so mature....it was me that cried, and her that was comforting me and telling me it was "all right".  I miss him so much.  Our days together were too short and now the nights are too long.

School's Out for Summer

First Day of 5th Grade

Today is the last day of school for Nicole.  Another year done and gone.  I can't believe that 5th grade is over and she will be a 6th grader next year.  One more year of elementary school and then she will be in Jr. High!  I'm not sure I am ready for the hormones that will come with Jr. High and High School.

Last Day of 5th Grade

I'm posting her picture that was taken at the beginning of the school year and the one I took this morning.  She has grown so much.  Maybe it is because she has gone through a lot this past year.  She has loved having Mrs. Rees as her teacher!

I only pray that next year will be a happier year!

Pretty in Pink

After many years of having a masculine bedroom I've decided to make a change.  For my whole life I have either had my bedroom decorated for me via mom or tried to decorate it so that my husband liked it.  Now that I am alone I decided to make my bedroom my own.  I decided to go very feminine.  Think Laura Ashley on a budget!  I went to Target and picked up pink, pink and more pink.  After doing Nicole's bedroom I decided I wanted my girlie side to come out.  So here is the outcome!

I told my friends Jen and Hillary that I had redone the bedroom really frilly and pink.  They said "good for you".  I told them I'm not sure what a man would think of it and Hillary said that studies show that women are more amorous in a room that they feel sexy in.  So there you have it.  It's a man's bedroom after all!!!

Service

I don't know that I will ever get used to the title "widow".  I used to always think of the widows in the ward being old and now I'm one of them.  I'm just too young to be a widow!  Me, who is so independent, is now a "project" for the ward.  And I'm definitely not trying to discount their good works because I am finding that I just CAN'T do it all. 

Yesterday was ward clean up day and I was going to go but then I committed myself to go down to Provo and help my daughter Cassie put in her garden.  I was getting ready to leave when the doorbell rang, it was my home teacher Steve Ferschtut with a couple of the ward members wondering if they could get to my backyard to pick up sticks.  I unlocked the gate and let them in, but they could see I had already cleaned up back there.  And since the backyard is mainly pool now there isn't a lot to do back there.  They so badly wanted to do something for me, so when they asked if they could rake the leaves out of my front flowerbed I told them that would be greatly appreciated because I hadn't gotten to it yet.  When I went outside to load up the car there were about 15 ward members out there working. When they were done it looked awesome as you can see by the photo.  I love this ward and these sweet people who I know would do anything for me.  I'm so thankful that the Lord has blessed me to be planted here!

So, I got Cassie's garden planted and ours mostly planted.  Cassie bought a new house and decided that she wanted a garden.  She had helped plant our garden before, but I think you pay more attention to how to plant things when you know that you need to learn these things to do for yourself.  We got hers planted in about 2 1/2 hours which wasn't too bad.  She is really excited to have a house, yard and garden. 

As you can see by the picture, the garden doesn't look like much now but when all is said and done it will provide us with potatoes, beans, cucumbers, tomatoes, red peppers, green bell peppers, jalepeno peppers, crockneck squash, swiss chard, raspberries and grapes.  It started to rain when I was planting ours so we will have to finish it Monday night for FHE.  Can't wait for the first tomatoes!