Hardest DIY Project Ever

I have always been the type that LOVES DIY projects.

My husband Scott and I put in an inground swimming pool doing everything ourselves except for hiring out the excavation.  We put in our own sprinkler system and landscape.  I've made cross-stitch and other crafts to decorate the house.  We built a cabin together.  And many other projects too numerous to count.

However, now I think I'm dealing with the hardest DIY project that I have ever encountered before.  How not to be lonely in a crowded room!  I added "crowded room" it because it better explains that I'm not lonely because no one is around, rather I am lonely because I'm missing being loved by my best friend, lover, husband!

I can have other people around but it just isn't the same.  I know that people TRY to be understanding, but they truly have no idea how painful this is.  And truth be told, I would never want anyone to experience this.

I think I have more cry sessions in the shower than anywhere else, hoping that the sound of the water will drown out my crying.  I stand there letting the water stream down my body just wishing the water would wash all the pain down the drain along with it, but it never does.

I think people try to be helpful by making comments that they think may be comforting, but I really don't want to hear another person tell me "You'll be okay.  You're strong.".  Yes, in the past I have been a strong person.  I proved that after Scott died.  But this time, there isn't a day that goes by that I'm not reduced to tears from loneliness.

I'm sure there is something I'm supposed to learn from this.  I know that there will be no shortcuts this time.  I know I can't just increase my speed to make the bumps of the turbulence of my life less severe.  I know that this time I will have to feel every raw emotion.

 I believe my heart is healing.  I don't think that it is a gushing wound anymore, more like a gaping wound.  And I think over time as I keep applying a new bandage, that it will continue to need a smaller one each time until the point that I won't need one at all.  I just wish I knew how long that will be.

How Many Camels?

So, back to Petra....

3 of my 5 bracelets - I gave the others to my daughters

We were bombarded left and right from Bedouin salesmen as soon as we stepped out of the buggy.  These little boys were placing silver bracelets on my wrist wanting me to "buy".  The first little boy placed 5 bracelets on my wrist and then told me I could have them for $100.  Needless to say I starting peeling them off my wrist as fast as I could and telling him "no thank you".  Him and a bunch other little boys kept following us trying to make a deal.  It wasn't until the first little boy told me I could have all 5 for $25 that I finally made the deal.  They really are beautiful and I'm especially glad that I have them now because they remind me of Tom and our trip to Petra

.

So we walked about the ruins of Petra for most of the morning.  I enjoyed taking in all the sights and smells of this wonderful place.  Camels and donkeys left and right, as they are the only means of transportation down here.  Mostly men were there selling their wares or drumming up rides on the camels and donkeys.  After awhile Tom was tired so we stopped at the only place there for refreshment and trinkets.  The manager of the shop, Rennick was a young Bedouin man in his thirties.  He was very adept at what he did.  You could tell he ran a tight shop and Tom and I were impressed with the way he handled himself.  We ended up buying three stones shaped like eggs.

Eggs Purchased in Petra

Tom sat there at the shop drinking his Diet Coke while I did some more climbing and exploring, which was hard for Tom to do.  It still boggles my mind how these people carved this city out of the stone. 

Tom resting at the "Why Not Shop"

When I got back to the shop, Rennick started to talking to Tom and I because business was slow.  Then some of his friends came out and told him to come eat.  He turned to me and asked if I would like to share their meal with them.  I had been wanting to try their food since reading the book "Married to a Bedouin" (as mentioned in my previous blog).  So I asked Tom if that would be alright, Tom said sure.

We went to the back part of the store where there were four other men sitting around this pot of what looked like stew.  They were eating the stew using pita bread to sop it up.  They handed me some bread and showed me how to eat.  It was very good!  There was one young man who said he was the managers cousin.  He proceeded to tell me, pointing to his cousin "He likes you!"  I'm sure I blushed some when he said that but I responded back "I'm old!"  I told them how I am a grandma.  Then the young men, who were probably in there twenties said, "It doesn't matter.  You have more experience!"  I just laughed.  I then told them how I had read Marguerite's book Married to a Bedouin.  They all said that they knew her.  I told them I thought that she had moved back to New Zealand which they said she had decided to move back to Petra because these were her people.  I told them how much I loved the book and all that I learned from it.  We talked a little more then I went back and joined Tom.

A few minutes later Rennick joined us and after a few minutes asked Tom, "How many camels for your wife?"  Tom smiled.  Then Rennick said, "I will give you 12 camels for you wife."  That's when Tom quickly responded, "There are not enough camels in the world."  That made my heart flutter.  What a sweet thought!  Rennick tried to harang Tom for a little bit longer but realized that he was going to get nowhere.  

I asked Rennick if I could have my picture taken with him which he grinned and said he would be honored.  So now, if anyone asks me if I've ever had anything unique happen to me, I can tell them how my husband was offered 12 camels for my hand in marriage!

Rennick and Me

Petra

I think I failed to mention in the previous post that between seeing Israel and France, Tom and I were able to go to Jordan and see the city of Petra.  I must say that to me it was one of the highlights of our journey.  Petra is an ancient city which had been carved into the sides of the cliffs.  The cliffs are beautiful!  They are reddish/pink in color. And if you have seen the movies "Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade" or "The Mummy", you would have seen Petra.

Tom fitted with Jordanian Headdress

Before we went on our trip I had the opportunity to read "Married to a Bedouin".  It is the story of Marguerite's journey to Jordan where she meets Mohammad, a Bedouin and falls in love and marries.  

After reading the book I was intrigues about the Bedouin people and couldn't wait to meet them.  I was fascinated with the nomadic lifestyle they use to live and could easily understand why Marguerite chose to make her home amongst them.

We took our journey down the steep, slick, cobblestone street towards the Treasury and the city of Petra via a horse and buggy.  We opted for the buggy ride because of Tom's prosthetic leg and because we were in charge of watching June, our 86 year old traveling companion.

The buggy ride was an adventure by itself!  The driver kept flicking the horse with his whip to get him to go faster.  I imagine because he knew the more people he could take in an hour the more money he makes.  There were a few times I felt the horse stumble and almost fall and it scared me half to death.  And if I had known that we were going to bounced around so much, I would have worn two jog bras!

Towards the end of the road before we entered the city, the driver finally slowed down so that we could have a breathtaking view of the Treasury as we came out of the canyon.  We were able to see it before the rising sun could wash out the color in the rock, it was amazing!  The colors of the stone almost looked pink.  It's no wonder that Petra is named one of the 7 Modern Wonders of the World.  And if you ever have the opportunity to see it, plan on it!  You won't be disappointed!

Life After Death

I think I may be ready to write again on a public forum. So much has happened in the past 35 months that I feel as if I have been in some sort of a time warp.

 My husband Scott, who I had been married to for eleven years, died in March of 2011. Through mutual friends I met and married Tom Frost on June 14th of 2012. Things were rocky in our marriage but only because we were both bringing teenage daughters into the mix. One thing I knew, is that I loved Tom and would do anything to make our marriage work. And like most marriages, that first year is always the hardest even without adding children to the mix.

 We did have the opportunity to take the girls and go on a church tour of the Eastern United States in July of last year. Then Tom and I were able to go to Israel and France September and October of last year. We had a great time! I felt like things were really starting to move forward with us. Then one month to the day after returning from our trip, Tom died and once again I was left with all my hopes and dreams shattered around me.

 It's now been three and a half months since his death and I'm still trying to find a day where my heart doesn't ache with longing for him. A day when I don't go to bed crying because I'm so lonely without him. I think after Scott died I was better able to pick up the pieces and tell myself "I can go on". However, with Tom's death I just feel as if there will never be wind enough to fill my sails and launch me into a better tomorrow.

 I keep telling friends that if I were a writer, I never in a million years would have written this as my life story. To be a widow again in less than three years not to mention twice before I'm fifty? I don't even believe Nicholas Sparks could have written this tragedy.

 So in an attempt to try to move on with my Life after Death, I'm going to start blogging again and try to write about the good times that I did spend with Tom and the few memories we were able to share in our short twenty-two months together. Because, after all, I realize memories are the only things we will be allowed to take with us after this life!

Dating In the LDS Singles Scene

So I've been testing the waters of the singles world...so to speak.  After going through a relationship where I was totally taken advantage of, I decided that maybe this time I would go about the singles scene in a whole different way.  The last time I was in the "singles scene" was thirteen years ago and can I just say a lot has changed since then!!!

Before my marriage to Scott, I used to chat online to find guys to meet and date.  I figured what with having kids and working the hours I was working at the hospital, this was probably the easiest and best way since I didn't want to go to church dances or bars to meet men!  Scott and I actually met in a chat room on AOL....not even sure if AOL even exists any more! {chuckle}  I met a lot of men this way and was able to chat with them before agreeing to meet somewhere.  Trust me when I say I had my share of good and bad dates.  I remember one date where the guy kept asking questions and I swear I could seeing him adding check marks to his list after each answer.  Do you want to marry again?  Do you have kids?  Do you want more kids?  Needless to say I ran the other way and never looked back!

So any way, this time I decided to first look at my reasons for dating.  Marriage?  Eventually.  Fun?  Sure  Loneliness for adult companionship?  Absolutely!  This is not to say that I don't have relationships with any adults in my life, but most of them know of Scott's death and tend to treat me a little differently; kind of with kid gloves.  Sometimes I think adults other than my kids treat me like I should still be the "widow in mourning".  I still have people at church ask Nicole and I all the time "how are you doing?"  This is always asked with the head tilted just slightly to the side using what I call the "puppy dog eyes".  When I say we are good they usually respond "really?"  I still haven't figured out how to make people realize that though I still miss Scott, Nicole and I ARE going on with life and that our days are filled with joy and laughter for what I would say is more than 99% of the time.  I honestly believe this is what Scott would have wanted!

Back to the subject....dating!  I decided that this time around I would choose activities that put emphasis where my emphasis is, around the church.  I first joined an LDS dating service.  Not sure if I would recommend this.  Seems there are still lots of men (and women I'm sure) who are on here portraying themselves to be something they're not.  I did make a good friend from here though, Mike; who then invited me to volleyball in Woodscross so I went.  I thought to myself....I can do this.  This isn't like a dance where you are on display and have to pair off.  I was right only in the sense that you don't have to pair off!  I totally felt like I was on display!  None of the "women regulars" would even talk to me, treating me like I had the plague!  I chose to be on Mike's team just so I would feel a little comfortable.  I had to leave early because Jen was watching Nicole  and it was after 10 p.m..  Later Mike texted me and said "the boys LOVE you!"  He said that after I left the guys wanted to know all about me.  I told him I hope he told them I wasn't dating and he said that he told them I was a widow just recently out of a bad relationship who just needed good people around her.  I'm so grateful that he has my back!  The only two women that spoke to me didn't go to Woodscross for volleyball usually.  They were just there to hand out flyer's for a Layton Singles activity.  They introduced themselves and whispered to me that I needed to come to Layton VB which is much better.  So, the next week I went to VB in Layton....huge difference!  These people are so friendly!  I actually feel like they are all friends just out to have fun.  It doesn't feel like a meat market like it did in Woodscross.  Since then, these wonderful friends have invited me to numerous activities and made me feel like one of them!  We've gone to dances, movie and pie, and karaoke!  Each event is fun and I never feel like a fifth wheel and I can take Nicole with me and they treat her just as well.  I will keep you posted since I have another singles activity to go to tonight!  :)

Memories of Scott

I keep wondering if I will ever get to the point that little things will stop reminding me of Scott.  
Yesterday, I had to go pick up the silver Honda from Willey Honda in Bountiful.  They were finally able to fix it to the tune of almost $900.  Picking it up was fun!  I had to run down to the Frontrunner station (4.5 miles) take the train to Woodscross then run another 2 miles to Willey Honda.  I guess I could have asked someone to drive me there, but I hate being a bother especially since I know other people are busy themselves.  Plus I needed to go for a run anyways.  Then I took the car and had the emissions run again (which was why it was being fixed in the first place) and this time it passed which meant I could get it registered which only cost $27.50....thank goodness.
So, I was cleaning the car out when I found a tube of Zilactin which Scott always used on cold sores and I got teary-eyed.  It made me remember the first thing he said to me when he came home the very last time.  He said "I don't think you'll want to kiss me, I have a cold sore."  I told him, "I always want to kiss you".  Little did I know that would be the last time I would kiss him while he was alive.
Then last night I was reading a novel "Everyone is Beautiful" by Katherine Center.  I was reading it because I just needed a feel good book.  One where guy and girl fall in love and live happily ever after.  Right towards the end though the husband leaves because he sees his wife being kissed by another man....long story.  So the wife is thinking he has gone for good and her downstairs neighbor who is a widow is telling her how to cope.
"Shower every day.  Brush and floss.  Blow-dry your hair and wear something nice.  Don't forget lipstick and mascara, at the very least.  Do not look at old photos.  Do not hold articles of his clothing to your face.  Do not close your eyes and try to pretend that he is sitting across the room reading the paper just so that you can feel okay again, even for a second.  Do not sit in his desk chair, put on his glasses, put his shaving cream on your face, or carry his toothbrush around in your pocket.  Do not read his books.  Do not stand among the clothes in his closet.  Do not write letters to him at night.  Stay in the present, or, if at all possible, in the future.  There's nowhere else you can go."   And that's when the tears starting falling again.
It's been over seven months and I still miss him so much sometimes that I can't even catch my breath.  I was thinking back the other day to when Scott and I used to say to each other, "I get to die first" because neither of us wanted to be left alone....I guess he won there.
I know this will get easier day by day.  But I also know that there are going to be little things that will come up that will bring tears to my eyes because of memories of Scott.

Memorial Day

Last Monday was Memorial Day.  It used to be that Memorial Day weekend meant a mini vacation for Scott, Nicole and I.  Whether we went to San Diego or camping, we usually used the weekend to spend time together and catch up on much needed family time.  However, this year was totally different.

I've never been the kind to like to go to the cemeteries on Memorial Day.  Growing up we always spent every Memorial Day weekend up in St. Anthony, Idaho visiting my dad's family....coldest weather EVER!!!  Then on Monday we would pile in the cars and head to the Chester, ID cemetery where my grandparents are buried.  You would think since I didn't know anything other than this growing up that I wouldn't mind going as an adult, but I hated it.

This year though, I had my grandsons (Kayson and Corbin) for the weekend and it was a cold, wet miserable Monday....maybe that is why I thought it appropriate to pile everyone into the car and head to Hyrum to continue the tradition.  When we got to my parents' house we went out and helped dad pick peonies and lilacs to place in vases for the graves.  Then we went over to Hyrum cemetery and placed flowers on my maternal grandparents' grave.  I had also bought a live pink lily to place on my granddaughter Helen's grave.  As of now, there isn't a marker for Helen's grave so I placed the flower in the approximate vicinity.  We then went to Mendon cemetery to visit the graves of my other relatives.  We placed a flower on my great-great-great grandfather James G. Willie's grave.  Nicole wanted to see this gravesite because she had done a report on him this year.  If you don't know who James G. Willie is, well maybe you have heard of the Martin and Willie handcart companies?  James G. led the Willie group to the Salt Lake Valley and they encountered many hardships along the way.  I am grateful for my pioneer heritage.  They make me realize everyday that I don't have it too bad.

That evening after delivering the boys to their Grandma Sonya's house, Nicole and I went to Scott's grave.  We placed some flowers on it.  Nicole has been so mature....it was me that cried, and her that was comforting me and telling me it was "all right".  I miss him so much.  Our days together were too short and now the nights are too long.