Hardest DIY Project Ever

I have always been the type that LOVES DIY projects.

My husband Scott and I put in an inground swimming pool doing everything ourselves except for hiring out the excavation.  We put in our own sprinkler system and landscape.  I've made cross-stitch and other crafts to decorate the house.  We built a cabin together.  And many other projects too numerous to count.

However, now I think I'm dealing with the hardest DIY project that I have ever encountered before.  How not to be lonely in a crowded room!  I added "crowded room" it because it better explains that I'm not lonely because no one is around, rather I am lonely because I'm missing being loved by my best friend, lover, husband!

I can have other people around but it just isn't the same.  I know that people TRY to be understanding, but they truly have no idea how painful this is.  And truth be told, I would never want anyone to experience this.

I think I have more cry sessions in the shower than anywhere else, hoping that the sound of the water will drown out my crying.  I stand there letting the water stream down my body just wishing the water would wash all the pain down the drain along with it, but it never does.

I think people try to be helpful by making comments that they think may be comforting, but I really don't want to hear another person tell me "You'll be okay.  You're strong.".  Yes, in the past I have been a strong person.  I proved that after Scott died.  But this time, there isn't a day that goes by that I'm not reduced to tears from loneliness.

I'm sure there is something I'm supposed to learn from this.  I know that there will be no shortcuts this time.  I know I can't just increase my speed to make the bumps of the turbulence of my life less severe.  I know that this time I will have to feel every raw emotion.

 I believe my heart is healing.  I don't think that it is a gushing wound anymore, more like a gaping wound.  And I think over time as I keep applying a new bandage, that it will continue to need a smaller one each time until the point that I won't need one at all.  I just wish I knew how long that will be.

How Many Camels?

So, back to Petra....

3 of my 5 bracelets - I gave the others to my daughters

We were bombarded left and right from Bedouin salesmen as soon as we stepped out of the buggy.  These little boys were placing silver bracelets on my wrist wanting me to "buy".  The first little boy placed 5 bracelets on my wrist and then told me I could have them for $100.  Needless to say I starting peeling them off my wrist as fast as I could and telling him "no thank you".  Him and a bunch other little boys kept following us trying to make a deal.  It wasn't until the first little boy told me I could have all 5 for $25 that I finally made the deal.  They really are beautiful and I'm especially glad that I have them now because they remind me of Tom and our trip to Petra

.

So we walked about the ruins of Petra for most of the morning.  I enjoyed taking in all the sights and smells of this wonderful place.  Camels and donkeys left and right, as they are the only means of transportation down here.  Mostly men were there selling their wares or drumming up rides on the camels and donkeys.  After awhile Tom was tired so we stopped at the only place there for refreshment and trinkets.  The manager of the shop, Rennick was a young Bedouin man in his thirties.  He was very adept at what he did.  You could tell he ran a tight shop and Tom and I were impressed with the way he handled himself.  We ended up buying three stones shaped like eggs.

Eggs Purchased in Petra

Tom sat there at the shop drinking his Diet Coke while I did some more climbing and exploring, which was hard for Tom to do.  It still boggles my mind how these people carved this city out of the stone. 

Tom resting at the "Why Not Shop"

When I got back to the shop, Rennick started to talking to Tom and I because business was slow.  Then some of his friends came out and told him to come eat.  He turned to me and asked if I would like to share their meal with them.  I had been wanting to try their food since reading the book "Married to a Bedouin" (as mentioned in my previous blog).  So I asked Tom if that would be alright, Tom said sure.

We went to the back part of the store where there were four other men sitting around this pot of what looked like stew.  They were eating the stew using pita bread to sop it up.  They handed me some bread and showed me how to eat.  It was very good!  There was one young man who said he was the managers cousin.  He proceeded to tell me, pointing to his cousin "He likes you!"  I'm sure I blushed some when he said that but I responded back "I'm old!"  I told them how I am a grandma.  Then the young men, who were probably in there twenties said, "It doesn't matter.  You have more experience!"  I just laughed.  I then told them how I had read Marguerite's book Married to a Bedouin.  They all said that they knew her.  I told them I thought that she had moved back to New Zealand which they said she had decided to move back to Petra because these were her people.  I told them how much I loved the book and all that I learned from it.  We talked a little more then I went back and joined Tom.

A few minutes later Rennick joined us and after a few minutes asked Tom, "How many camels for your wife?"  Tom smiled.  Then Rennick said, "I will give you 12 camels for you wife."  That's when Tom quickly responded, "There are not enough camels in the world."  That made my heart flutter.  What a sweet thought!  Rennick tried to harang Tom for a little bit longer but realized that he was going to get nowhere.  

I asked Rennick if I could have my picture taken with him which he grinned and said he would be honored.  So now, if anyone asks me if I've ever had anything unique happen to me, I can tell them how my husband was offered 12 camels for my hand in marriage!

Rennick and Me

Petra

I think I failed to mention in the previous post that between seeing Israel and France, Tom and I were able to go to Jordan and see the city of Petra.  I must say that to me it was one of the highlights of our journey.  Petra is an ancient city which had been carved into the sides of the cliffs.  The cliffs are beautiful!  They are reddish/pink in color. And if you have seen the movies "Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade" or "The Mummy", you would have seen Petra.

Tom fitted with Jordanian Headdress

Before we went on our trip I had the opportunity to read "Married to a Bedouin".  It is the story of Marguerite's journey to Jordan where she meets Mohammad, a Bedouin and falls in love and marries.  

After reading the book I was intrigues about the Bedouin people and couldn't wait to meet them.  I was fascinated with the nomadic lifestyle they use to live and could easily understand why Marguerite chose to make her home amongst them.

We took our journey down the steep, slick, cobblestone street towards the Treasury and the city of Petra via a horse and buggy.  We opted for the buggy ride because of Tom's prosthetic leg and because we were in charge of watching June, our 86 year old traveling companion.

The buggy ride was an adventure by itself!  The driver kept flicking the horse with his whip to get him to go faster.  I imagine because he knew the more people he could take in an hour the more money he makes.  There were a few times I felt the horse stumble and almost fall and it scared me half to death.  And if I had known that we were going to bounced around so much, I would have worn two jog bras!

Towards the end of the road before we entered the city, the driver finally slowed down so that we could have a breathtaking view of the Treasury as we came out of the canyon.  We were able to see it before the rising sun could wash out the color in the rock, it was amazing!  The colors of the stone almost looked pink.  It's no wonder that Petra is named one of the 7 Modern Wonders of the World.  And if you ever have the opportunity to see it, plan on it!  You won't be disappointed!

Life After Death

I think I may be ready to write again on a public forum. So much has happened in the past 35 months that I feel as if I have been in some sort of a time warp.

 My husband Scott, who I had been married to for eleven years, died in March of 2011. Through mutual friends I met and married Tom Frost on June 14th of 2012. Things were rocky in our marriage but only because we were both bringing teenage daughters into the mix. One thing I knew, is that I loved Tom and would do anything to make our marriage work. And like most marriages, that first year is always the hardest even without adding children to the mix.

 We did have the opportunity to take the girls and go on a church tour of the Eastern United States in July of last year. Then Tom and I were able to go to Israel and France September and October of last year. We had a great time! I felt like things were really starting to move forward with us. Then one month to the day after returning from our trip, Tom died and once again I was left with all my hopes and dreams shattered around me.

 It's now been three and a half months since his death and I'm still trying to find a day where my heart doesn't ache with longing for him. A day when I don't go to bed crying because I'm so lonely without him. I think after Scott died I was better able to pick up the pieces and tell myself "I can go on". However, with Tom's death I just feel as if there will never be wind enough to fill my sails and launch me into a better tomorrow.

 I keep telling friends that if I were a writer, I never in a million years would have written this as my life story. To be a widow again in less than three years not to mention twice before I'm fifty? I don't even believe Nicholas Sparks could have written this tragedy.

 So in an attempt to try to move on with my Life after Death, I'm going to start blogging again and try to write about the good times that I did spend with Tom and the few memories we were able to share in our short twenty-two months together. Because, after all, I realize memories are the only things we will be allowed to take with us after this life!