A Virtual Hug for My Daughter

 Today is the tenth anniversary of my husband Scott's death. I spent part of the day Snapchatting with our daughter who is stationed in Kuwait at this time. She is now 20 and has lived half her life without her dad. 💔 No child should have to lose a parent so young. And though I know we packed a ton of memories into those 10 short years it doesn't diminish the pain she feels on this day every year. 

Scott & Nicole at La Jolla Beach

We try to memorialize Scott by remembering all the great times we had with him. I think we both try to be happy and strong for each other but as we snap pictures of ourselves (with thoughts attached) back and forth to each other, I can see her eyes are red and swollen from crying, as are mine.

 I spent the rest of the day at work (between patients) looking at old blog posts I had written. Then I went and found old blog posts my sister had written  Digizine (she is one of my other angels in heaven). Needless to say it was a day of memories that came rushing at me like a tidal wave. 

 My emotions have been like a pendulum today. Tears have fallen from my eyes due to the sadness of missing both my husband and sister but then I smile because I feel both of their spirits with me today as memories of them fill my heart and mind. 

 I wish my daughter could have been with me today. Hugging her would have been like hugging a piece of her dad since she is so her father's daughter. I love you Nicole!

How Do You Heal a Broken Heart

I don't know why, but tonight I'm unable to sleep and my granddaughter Helen is on my mind.

As a nurse I've seen a lot of pain and suffering, but none will ever be as hard to witness as watching my daughter go through the heartache she did almost 6 years ago.

I had sat by and watched as my daughter, Cassie and her husband, Dan had numerous miscarriages.  I tried to ease her pain with words of comfort but I had only had one miscarriage and so I didn't fully understand the grief that she experienced every time she got pregnant and lost another baby.

Finally, she was pregnant and past the first trimester and so we all started to get our hopes up that they would finally have a new little one in their lives.  She was due to have the baby in February of 2010 and was such a cute prego mommy.

Her and Dan took numerous pictures of her and her cute pregnant belly.  Dan would even get out his guitar and sing silly and cute songs to Cassie's belly like the baby could hear every word he sang.  They even went to Hawaii with all of us for grandma and grandpa's 50th Wedding Anniversary the end of November 2009 and all was well.

Then shortly after we returned from Hawaii, Cassie started not feeling well.  She called me and told me that she had been sick to her stomach and not keeping anything down for a day and was concerned about the baby.  I told her that it was probably the flu but if she didn't start feeling better she needed to go to her OB/GYN.

I didn't hear anything more from her that day but the next day when I was at work, Dan called me to say that they were at the ER because Cassie was still really sick.  They did some tests and Cassie's blood sugar was super high and they couldn't find a heartbeat on the baby.  I immediately left work and headed down to Utah County to be with them.

When I got there Dan told me that Cassie was super sick and the baby was dead.  This hit me like a ton of bricks.  The first thought that entered my mind was "they need to do CPR on the baby".  Then reality hit and I realized that was just plain stupid and I broke down in tears.  I knew right then that I had to get a hold of my emotions because I would need to be strong for my daughter.

It turned out that Cassie had Type I Diabetes and the blow to her system was just too much for the baby.  The first thing they needed to do was to get Cassie stabilized then she would need to deliver the baby.

The next day they scheduled for her to be in Labor and Delivery for the delivery.  That was such a long day knowing that my daughter was going to have to go through all the pain of contractions and delivery without a joyful ending.  I was grateful that Cassie and Dan invited me to be in the delivery room so that I could help buoy Cassie up.  It was so painful to watch Helen delivered to a sobbing mother and all I could do was hug Cassie and weep.

My husband Scott was in San Diego, so the next day I wrote the following letter to him, my sister and my parents who had been absent during this emotional ordeal.

Hi,

I just wanted to up date you all on what is happening.  And as Scott knows, I am better able to write in words what is hard to say.

Helen Rose Larkin was born at 7:56pm on December 8, 2009.  She weighed 2 lbs 15 oz and was 15 inches long.  She was perfect in every way!  Ten fingers, ten toes, bright red lips, tiny button nose....she even had hair.  As you can imagine it was a very hard thing for Cassie and Dan, but we were able to spend three hours with her.  In that time Cassie and Dan held her, we had pictures taken, hand and footprints done and molds of her little hands and feet.  

Unfortunately we are not out of the woods yet with Cassie.  She is back in ICU where they will continue to take care of her.  Her and Dan are still going to need our prayers, love and support.

Deep down I feel that Helen was such a special spirit that all she needed was a body.  She didn't need to come down to the earth and go through the trials of life.  What a special gift Dan and Cassie gave her!

I love you all and I'm grateful to know that things that I know through the gospel plan.  This would have been so much harder without that knowledge and the love of my Father in Heaven and his son Jesus.

Love Always,

Kaye

P.S. I attached a picture of Cassie holding Helen.

I hope that Cassie will be understanding with me posting this picture of her and Helen.  I just know that there is no way that I can put into words the pain and suffering that is on her face as she looks at her little baby girl whom she had such hopes and dreams for.

As a happy note, I've decided to include a picture taken last November when Cassie and Dan welcomed baby boy #2 to their family.  I'm so grateful that their happily ever after didn't have to end on a sad note.

Visiting Teachers - Angels and Milk

It was a Saturday morning unlike any I had ever had before and one that I pray I never have again.  I was sitting on the couch surrounded by family when the doorbell rang.  I gathered myself off the couch and slowly headed to the front door.  Upon opening the door I saw my Visiting Teaching companion standing there with grocery bags and a gallon of milk.  The first words out of her mouth were, "I was at the grocery store when I heard and I thought you could use these."

It was then that the tears started again to stream down my face.  I was once again surprised that I had any tears left since I had been crying almost constantly since my husbands death the night before.

Here stood at my doorstep one of Heavenly Father's angels.  Someone who listened to the spirit and was thoughtful enough to bring milk. Milk!  Of all things milk.  But it was what I needed because I had gone to the fridge that morning and realized that we were out of milk and needless to say the last thing I wanted to do was head to the grocery store to buy milk.

When she saw the tears start to flow she in turn started to cry with me.  There weren't words to express how much her coming to see me meant to me.  I know she would have enveloped me in her arms if her arms weren't already full of groceries so I lead her into the kitchen where she placed the groceries on the counter then we hugged and cried.

It's amazing how much communication can be exchanged without saying a word.

I'm so thankful that I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.  I'm grateful that my Heavenly Father established the Relief Society for the women of the church.  I'm grateful that we have Visiting Teachers and companions.  And more than anything I'm grateful to this dear sister who was in tune with the spirit that Saturday.

Beast! Mean, rude and uptight! Who me?

I follow a blogger called Single Dad Laughing or SDL.  I quite enjoy his wit and humor and his quirky way of looking at life.  However, yesterday he posted a blog that I guess, best put, had me up in arms.  The title of the blog was Vicious Nurses and Saintly Lawyers (you can read it here http://www.danoah.com/2015/02/vicious-nurses-and-saintly-lawyers.html).

The whole gist of his blog entry for the day is dating nurses vs. dating lawyers and his conclusion.  To say that I was offended, that as an RN (registered nurse) I got generalized as being a "beast....mean, rude and uptight", is putting it lightly.  There really wasn't any reason for me to take offense to his comments since it was his point of view and hey, he's never met me!  Mostly it hurt my feelings.  I feel that I try my best to always put my best foot forward and put a smile on my face even when I sometimes feel there is absolutely nothing to smile about.

However, after reading some of the responses to SDL's blog I thought he possibly has a valid point in his generalization.  Even though it was just that, a generalization.

I especially liked the comment posted by 1 Vicious Nurse.....

At first I was offended....then I started thinking about what you said.....I am vicious... I am an ICU nurse in a very busy high acuity trauma ICU, I have been for 10 years. Some of the things I've seen are worse than horror movies..... Only, they're not movies. It's real. Very real, happening to real people in real life. People who hurt and feel. People whose lives will be forever changed. And their families. I've had to tell people time and again that their loved one "isn't going to make it" and that they should say their goodbyes. I don't ever forget the look, the devastating pain in that mothers eyes when I told her that her 16 year old son was hit by a car and is dying. That she has to go to his side now or she will miss him. I viciously hold back my own tears. So that I may be a rock. A center for the hurting. Even though all I want to do is drop to my knees with her because I can actually feel her pain. I have kids of my own. Every day it's sad stories. Emotionally exhausting. The physical exhaustion of a minimum 12 hours shift, in the middle of the night, walking... Running... literally 13 miles a shift, Lifting over and over men twice my size. Viciously fighting to keep them alive. Minute by minute. Never stopping to eat or even pee because if I stepped away for even a minute... Then..... On top of this... All of this... I have to be perfect. No mistakes. Not even one. If I do, someone could die. If I miss something, even the slightest change in my patients condition. People can die. I call the doctor in the middle of the night and argue viciously over and over again to get your hurting mother, father, daughter the pain medication they need . Healthcare workers are the most assaulted occupation, so I fear for my safety, constantly. I won't even touch on the issues of overpaid administration and insurance companies 'cost cutting' meanwhile padding their pockets leaving us short staffed and in desperate need of functioning equipment and supplies. It is nearly impossible to leave all of this 'at the office' so to speak. It is that ability to feel all of this so deeply and manage all of this so viciously with your entire being that makes a nurse great. I have changed. I know that. I am less patient in some areas of my life, but so much more in others. My compassion is unending. I am able to value every moment I have with my amazing husband and my 3 beautiful babies...... Because really you never know when it could be your last. So am I vicious ? Hell yes! And I own it!

Thank you 1 Vicious Nurse for saying exactly what I felt!  It definitely takes a special breed to be a nurse especially if you work in the ICU or ER!  I worked in the Pediatric ICU for 4 years.  I loved what I did but to say that my shifts sucked the life out of me would be a huge understatement.  When I was at work I had to always be at the top of my game because a child's life depended on it.  One mistake on my part could cost a life. I also remember working some 12 hour shifts where I didn't even get to eat or pee because I was too busy.  I remember the Mother's day when 3 children on our 26 bed unit died all from "freak" accidents.  Watching the parents succumbed to their grief and crying the whole 30 minute drive home so that I could have a grip on my emotions when I got home to my husband and children.

Yes, I'm a nurse!  Vicious, mean, rude, uptight?  Maybe at times.  But through all my experiences I've learned to value each and every person in my life and to cherish every moment I have with them for I know that life is precious and so fleeting.

Hardest DIY Project Ever

I have always been the type that LOVES DIY projects.

My husband Scott and I put in an inground swimming pool doing everything ourselves except for hiring out the excavation.  We put in our own sprinkler system and landscape.  I've made cross-stitch and other crafts to decorate the house.  We built a cabin together.  And many other projects too numerous to count.

However, now I think I'm dealing with the hardest DIY project that I have ever encountered before.  How not to be lonely in a crowded room!  I added "crowded room" it because it better explains that I'm not lonely because no one is around, rather I am lonely because I'm missing being loved by my best friend, lover, husband!

I can have other people around but it just isn't the same.  I know that people TRY to be understanding, but they truly have no idea how painful this is.  And truth be told, I would never want anyone to experience this.

I think I have more cry sessions in the shower than anywhere else, hoping that the sound of the water will drown out my crying.  I stand there letting the water stream down my body just wishing the water would wash all the pain down the drain along with it, but it never does.

I think people try to be helpful by making comments that they think may be comforting, but I really don't want to hear another person tell me "You'll be okay.  You're strong.".  Yes, in the past I have been a strong person.  I proved that after Scott died.  But this time, there isn't a day that goes by that I'm not reduced to tears from loneliness.

I'm sure there is something I'm supposed to learn from this.  I know that there will be no shortcuts this time.  I know I can't just increase my speed to make the bumps of the turbulence of my life less severe.  I know that this time I will have to feel every raw emotion.

 I believe my heart is healing.  I don't think that it is a gushing wound anymore, more like a gaping wound.  And I think over time as I keep applying a new bandage, that it will continue to need a smaller one each time until the point that I won't need one at all.  I just wish I knew how long that will be.

How Many Camels?

So, back to Petra....

3 of my 5 bracelets - I gave the others to my daughters

We were bombarded left and right from Bedouin salesmen as soon as we stepped out of the buggy.  These little boys were placing silver bracelets on my wrist wanting me to "buy".  The first little boy placed 5 bracelets on my wrist and then told me I could have them for $100.  Needless to say I starting peeling them off my wrist as fast as I could and telling him "no thank you".  Him and a bunch other little boys kept following us trying to make a deal.  It wasn't until the first little boy told me I could have all 5 for $25 that I finally made the deal.  They really are beautiful and I'm especially glad that I have them now because they remind me of Tom and our trip to Petra

.

So we walked about the ruins of Petra for most of the morning.  I enjoyed taking in all the sights and smells of this wonderful place.  Camels and donkeys left and right, as they are the only means of transportation down here.  Mostly men were there selling their wares or drumming up rides on the camels and donkeys.  After awhile Tom was tired so we stopped at the only place there for refreshment and trinkets.  The manager of the shop, Rennick was a young Bedouin man in his thirties.  He was very adept at what he did.  You could tell he ran a tight shop and Tom and I were impressed with the way he handled himself.  We ended up buying three stones shaped like eggs.

Eggs Purchased in Petra

Tom sat there at the shop drinking his Diet Coke while I did some more climbing and exploring, which was hard for Tom to do.  It still boggles my mind how these people carved this city out of the stone. 

Tom resting at the "Why Not Shop"

When I got back to the shop, Rennick started to talking to Tom and I because business was slow.  Then some of his friends came out and told him to come eat.  He turned to me and asked if I would like to share their meal with them.  I had been wanting to try their food since reading the book "Married to a Bedouin" (as mentioned in my previous blog).  So I asked Tom if that would be alright, Tom said sure.

We went to the back part of the store where there were four other men sitting around this pot of what looked like stew.  They were eating the stew using pita bread to sop it up.  They handed me some bread and showed me how to eat.  It was very good!  There was one young man who said he was the managers cousin.  He proceeded to tell me, pointing to his cousin "He likes you!"  I'm sure I blushed some when he said that but I responded back "I'm old!"  I told them how I am a grandma.  Then the young men, who were probably in there twenties said, "It doesn't matter.  You have more experience!"  I just laughed.  I then told them how I had read Marguerite's book Married to a Bedouin.  They all said that they knew her.  I told them I thought that she had moved back to New Zealand which they said she had decided to move back to Petra because these were her people.  I told them how much I loved the book and all that I learned from it.  We talked a little more then I went back and joined Tom.

A few minutes later Rennick joined us and after a few minutes asked Tom, "How many camels for your wife?"  Tom smiled.  Then Rennick said, "I will give you 12 camels for you wife."  That's when Tom quickly responded, "There are not enough camels in the world."  That made my heart flutter.  What a sweet thought!  Rennick tried to harang Tom for a little bit longer but realized that he was going to get nowhere.  

I asked Rennick if I could have my picture taken with him which he grinned and said he would be honored.  So now, if anyone asks me if I've ever had anything unique happen to me, I can tell them how my husband was offered 12 camels for my hand in marriage!

Rennick and Me

Petra

I think I failed to mention in the previous post that between seeing Israel and France, Tom and I were able to go to Jordan and see the city of Petra.  I must say that to me it was one of the highlights of our journey.  Petra is an ancient city which had been carved into the sides of the cliffs.  The cliffs are beautiful!  They are reddish/pink in color. And if you have seen the movies "Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade" or "The Mummy", you would have seen Petra.

Tom fitted with Jordanian Headdress

Before we went on our trip I had the opportunity to read "Married to a Bedouin".  It is the story of Marguerite's journey to Jordan where she meets Mohammad, a Bedouin and falls in love and marries.  

After reading the book I was intrigues about the Bedouin people and couldn't wait to meet them.  I was fascinated with the nomadic lifestyle they use to live and could easily understand why Marguerite chose to make her home amongst them.

We took our journey down the steep, slick, cobblestone street towards the Treasury and the city of Petra via a horse and buggy.  We opted for the buggy ride because of Tom's prosthetic leg and because we were in charge of watching June, our 86 year old traveling companion.

The buggy ride was an adventure by itself!  The driver kept flicking the horse with his whip to get him to go faster.  I imagine because he knew the more people he could take in an hour the more money he makes.  There were a few times I felt the horse stumble and almost fall and it scared me half to death.  And if I had known that we were going to bounced around so much, I would have worn two jog bras!

Towards the end of the road before we entered the city, the driver finally slowed down so that we could have a breathtaking view of the Treasury as we came out of the canyon.  We were able to see it before the rising sun could wash out the color in the rock, it was amazing!  The colors of the stone almost looked pink.  It's no wonder that Petra is named one of the 7 Modern Wonders of the World.  And if you ever have the opportunity to see it, plan on it!  You won't be disappointed!